I actually do feel miserable sometimes. Handling such intangible thing like feelings is a very tricky task and whoever said it's going to be easy anyways.
The situation is like this. I don't feel like giving up my feelings because I suppose you never try you never know. The tricky part is, I cannot "try" it out now. And who says he has mutual feelings and would like to "try" things out anyways? The tricky part again is, he didn't say much about his feelings towards me, it was more of his feelings and views towards "the situation".
I would like to handle this "professionally" but again, the tricky part is it's hard to draw a clear line. I mean, drawing A line is not hard, but where to draw it? The thing is, I'm not like erm... a car air-condition, I cannot just switch myself from cold air mode to warm air mode and back again. Besides, how can I switch from cold to warm and warm to cold without confusing anyone?
And then, it seems like a good idea, or the only idea rather, to work on it without really working on it because of the line drawn as above. So it would be like swimming with a handcuff on - I know I can swim and I know how far my hands could go, how strong a stroke I can make, but I can't do much because I'm being handcuffed, remember? I might not drown because I can float, but it's not a good feeling to be floating in the sea with my hands tight.
Maybe it's good that things can sometimes be put to a dramatic end. At least it's clean and straight forward that way, no dangling and dragging. The tricky part is no one told me that it's 100% impossible, yet. So the situation might not be dragging per se but developing. So, then perhaps it's okay to think that anything is possible WITHOUT putting up any expectation. In this kind of situation, there comes the uncertainty, the constant slump in the stomach and lump in the throat whenever I hear his name, see his shadow, smell his scent... that miserable feeling whenever I confirm that I am not special (yet, or never ever); or when I think that he's seeing someone already. That's when I increase my dosage of "don't expect anything" hence the depressing sense of loss. Time to run?
Staying neutral is an option, but a great challenge for me. Say if I leave it alone for now, should I leave the feelings alone to grow, or let it subside? To me I don't see a way to hibernate the feelings for now so that it remains exactly the same until I need to dig it out again later, either to grow it, or to put a stop to it. If feelings can be controlled, I have lost my remote controller to my heart.
Divert attention is fine but during situation like now, the attention creeps back to the matter which unnerves me. While I try to avoid anything extreme at the moment, my feelings are uncontrollable.
Are there any other options? Have I left out anything?
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Just move on...
I am so busy and tired that I wonder why have I subjected myself to so much commitments. Two days of public holidays were of course not enough, far from being sufficient for me to clear my to do list to a comfortable level. This is like playing the game of Tetris, if I don't start clearing the stacks at the bottom, I will soon be fire fighting only able to clear the top layers to stay alive, no level up, no bonus, no combos...
But I just can't give up the game, I need to move on and get things done.
Despite tomorrow being the last day of the week (yes, I do have to go to work!) and not Monday, I still foresee me having another insomnia tonight. My weekend is going to be terribly busy and I still cannot gauge how much I have to do and how much time I have to chill out and relax, recharge and refresh for yet another crazy week.
With all these lined up, I supposed I can actually divert my attention from my heart matters to completing tasks. The uncomfortable feelings and sense of lost still nag me a lot, but I just have to put them aside and move on... and I need to move (clear things) fast before I "die".
I hope I still have many more "lives" to keep the game going. I sometimes do wish that there is such things as "last saved" in life. Haha...
But I just can't give up the game, I need to move on and get things done.
Despite tomorrow being the last day of the week (yes, I do have to go to work!) and not Monday, I still foresee me having another insomnia tonight. My weekend is going to be terribly busy and I still cannot gauge how much I have to do and how much time I have to chill out and relax, recharge and refresh for yet another crazy week.
With all these lined up, I supposed I can actually divert my attention from my heart matters to completing tasks. The uncomfortable feelings and sense of lost still nag me a lot, but I just have to put them aside and move on... and I need to move (clear things) fast before I "die".
I hope I still have many more "lives" to keep the game going. I sometimes do wish that there is such things as "last saved" in life. Haha...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Warm up the heart...
Carebear said "You know you will die right?"
Yessss... I know! That was for me skipping pump last night, after not doing pump for two weeks. Yeah, you can imagine my painful death when I went to pump just now. FI's class at LM, a replacement and I was glad I made it!
FI's opening was "today's class is going to be very tough". Okay, don't say he didn't warn us. So I had cut down my weights for chest track to 5kg. Actually, I've been doing 5kgs lately and have not been able to increase that. But other than that, I thought I might as well face my death sentence and maintained my usual weights. I missed 2 clean and presses (during the set of 6 clean and presses - missed the first and the fifth heh) and missed many biceps curl. And ouch... my abs hurts. Extreme muscle pain sounds like a great workout. Haha...
Two days of public holiday, I hope to catch some sleep. Besides that, need to catch up with a lot of work, part time work and more baking. Oh, we are going picnic on Thursday.
Meanwhile, the heart has been warmed up with a hug. :)
Yessss... I know! That was for me skipping pump last night, after not doing pump for two weeks. Yeah, you can imagine my painful death when I went to pump just now. FI's class at LM, a replacement and I was glad I made it!
FI's opening was "today's class is going to be very tough". Okay, don't say he didn't warn us. So I had cut down my weights for chest track to 5kg. Actually, I've been doing 5kgs lately and have not been able to increase that. But other than that, I thought I might as well face my death sentence and maintained my usual weights. I missed 2 clean and presses (during the set of 6 clean and presses - missed the first and the fifth heh) and missed many biceps curl. And ouch... my abs hurts. Extreme muscle pain sounds like a great workout. Haha...
Two days of public holiday, I hope to catch some sleep. Besides that, need to catch up with a lot of work, part time work and more baking. Oh, we are going picnic on Thursday.
Meanwhile, the heart has been warmed up with a hug. :)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My New Time Keeper
Got this on the flight back from Hong Kong. Really cannot resist buying. First of all, it's a Olympic theme watch which I don't think I will ever be able to buy later since Olympic is actually over. Secondly, how often will I be flying to Hong Kong?
It's a pity that I had to have some section taken out because it's too loose for me. Anyways, love the colour and the green emerald stones crafted on it. :)
How Long?
When was the last time I blogged? Seems so long ago. Have been really busy. Came back from the trip and there have been loads of baking to fulfil orders. I did ALL my baking today, started 10am and ended after midnight. Okay... went out for a while to have lunch, and had dinner, other than that was baking. A BIG thank you to MC for helping me with the cornflakes cookies. No, I don't normally take cornflakes cookies orders, it's very tedious and I might just banish this from my baking list. This version of mine has to be individually crafted. Will blog this tomorrow. Hopefully, because I need to spend some time following up my HK project and there are some outstanding work from my proper work and if I don't clear that, deadlines cannot be met. I guess I will stay away from baking tomorrow.
It's also been so long I've not seen MFG. I'm sure he's enjoying his trip and how I wish I can join him. I wonder if he'd missed me occasionally.
I better go get some sleep. How long has it been since I had enough sleep?
It's also been so long I've not seen MFG. I'm sure he's enjoying his trip and how I wish I can join him. I wonder if he'd missed me occasionally.
I better go get some sleep. How long has it been since I had enough sleep?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Missing a piece of the puzzle
I'm back!
My flight was 3pm today and the coach came to pick me at 11am. So I thought, there will be plenty of time to perhaps update my blog, write up all the missing parts before I come back. There was internet access in the whole of HK airport, free, how convenient is that? And there were even terminals of computers accessible 24 hours for free usage. The fact that I had my laptop with me, I actually did an on-line self-check-in, then went to the express check-in counters which was 1/10 of the length of the normal queuing line. Thanks to MC and BIL for allowing me to take the laptop.
Okay, my plan to blog of course failed lah since I'm only typing this now. What happened was I underestimate the time needed to shop at the airport. Haha... If you saw me at arrival just now, you will conclude that I'm an extreme shopaholic. It's great to be able to shop less guilt free. Will update on purchase later.
I was actually really sleepy today. Only slept at 3am this morning because I only travelled back from Shenzen at 12.30am. Shopping at Shenzen was great, but not enough time. Went to a gigantic spa which I thought, did not fit my idea of a relaxing and indulging spa session. Will tell more later.
This morning woke up already worrying about not being able to sleep tonight because I will surely worry about going back to work tomorrow. I wish I'm wrong with my insomnia forecast. Trying to keep this post short so I go to bed soon.
I actually felt that I really missed home when I was waiting for my flight. I was longing for familiarity and comfort of my own bed. More so wishing for the company of friends and family. Been texting MFG but for some reason his text did not reach me most of the time. Now that I'm back in the comfort of home, I still feel that a piece is still missing from the big puzzle of my heart. It's still a long way ahead before I can see him. And there's not much foresight of the puzzle being completed in the future. Unless I change to another puzzle.
Anyways, I need to bake tomorrow and Thursday for the Raya delivery on Friday. And weekend will be more baking. KG thanks for the Raya order and I've got you something from HK even though you've just been there.
So instead of The Baker's journey, it will be back to The Baker indulging in her baking. I really do hope I will be "indulging" during the next few days of baking.
My flight was 3pm today and the coach came to pick me at 11am. So I thought, there will be plenty of time to perhaps update my blog, write up all the missing parts before I come back. There was internet access in the whole of HK airport, free, how convenient is that? And there were even terminals of computers accessible 24 hours for free usage. The fact that I had my laptop with me, I actually did an on-line self-check-in, then went to the express check-in counters which was 1/10 of the length of the normal queuing line. Thanks to MC and BIL for allowing me to take the laptop.
Okay, my plan to blog of course failed lah since I'm only typing this now. What happened was I underestimate the time needed to shop at the airport. Haha... If you saw me at arrival just now, you will conclude that I'm an extreme shopaholic. It's great to be able to shop less guilt free. Will update on purchase later.
I was actually really sleepy today. Only slept at 3am this morning because I only travelled back from Shenzen at 12.30am. Shopping at Shenzen was great, but not enough time. Went to a gigantic spa which I thought, did not fit my idea of a relaxing and indulging spa session. Will tell more later.
This morning woke up already worrying about not being able to sleep tonight because I will surely worry about going back to work tomorrow. I wish I'm wrong with my insomnia forecast. Trying to keep this post short so I go to bed soon.
I actually felt that I really missed home when I was waiting for my flight. I was longing for familiarity and comfort of my own bed. More so wishing for the company of friends and family. Been texting MFG but for some reason his text did not reach me most of the time. Now that I'm back in the comfort of home, I still feel that a piece is still missing from the big puzzle of my heart. It's still a long way ahead before I can see him. And there's not much foresight of the puzzle being completed in the future. Unless I change to another puzzle.
Anyways, I need to bake tomorrow and Thursday for the Raya delivery on Friday. And weekend will be more baking. KG thanks for the Raya order and I've got you something from HK even though you've just been there.
So instead of The Baker's journey, it will be back to The Baker indulging in her baking. I really do hope I will be "indulging" during the next few days of baking.
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