Did you know?

I was on FB and I kept seeing links to pictures I took with you, so I clicked into some of them. They reminded me that we used to spend so much time together those days. So many lunch alone with you, and I wished I had that special feelings towards you from day one, at least I would have enjoyed being alone with you in a different and special way more times. Those were the days when you were my lunch "sponsor" including driving me around for lunch all the time. Did you know that actually some of the later lunch became really special for me? I love the way I feel when you bought me pineapple because you knew that it's my favorite fruit.

I used to make you my number one guinea pig. Did you know that some of the items were not "experiments"? Most items were those I knew I can make very well. Did you know how contented I felt whenever I managed to make something you like to eat?

At one point I was making fruit juices for you almost every morning, and I told you I was making for me and sis anyways and will give you the extras. Did you know that it wasn't entirely true? I had purposely made extra for you. I still remember that some nosy people in the office was trying to interrogate you for the source of your supply but since you promised me not to say, you let them think it was someone else. :)

Although I really like the way I feel when I see you everyday for the whole day, I really thought it was best that you left. Did you know when I first learnt that you wanted to leave, I was in such despair I cannot begin to describe? Especially when someone told me you wanted to leave the country.

Looking at one those pictures of ours, it reminded me that what I like most about you is not your achievements, or your personality, or your looks (although I really do love them all) but it was about who I am - how I feel whenever I am with you, how I look when I am beside you... I can see it from the pictures - I can see myself looking so beautiful until I cannot take my eyes off myself.

I miss me - the one with the contented face beside yours.

Be careful what you wish for

I just did a "heart test" and I got cold sweat with a big rock dropped into my stomach kind of feeling!

I told myself that MFG will turn up during our next meet up with his girlfriend. And it was a scary feel I got there. Geezzz... didn't realize that my heart is in such bad condition, it's really hard to believe how difficult it is to convince myself. And my head just told me to leave the heart alone already! Such pointless test!!

It is a night of "think too much" again, which is nothing new. I actually hated that hopeless feel I made my heart go through but I know now that I am still not ready for the news. When I used to like someone before MFG, I once wish for either things to happen or let there be something to "kill" the heart of that feeling. And I did get a piece of terrible (then felt) news that made me totally gave up on the feelings towards that guy in question. However, honestly, I don't remember that my heart felt this bad, I had that same cold sweat, end of hope feeling, but not as scary as now. Maybe I told my heart that "false" piece of news just now when I was alone. The last time I was told of the other mentioned piece of bad news, I had MFG right in front of me.

I looked back and can see "dots" all over the past... I remember being the one who told MFG to get to know more about the girl he was seeing and he found reason for him to stop seriously seeing her. He found reason for me to forget about the guy I used to like so much.

I met him when he was so ready to settle down, I was happy to guess that I wasn't too far from the kind of person he might like. I used to think for the past many years that I want to be single, but I felt otherwise after I get to know my feelings towards MFG. We were (are) both single and had quite a lot in common (or I'd like to think so) but I can't seem to see the line that is supposed to join all the "dots". I am still hoping that the dots are yet to be joined, or joining but requires more dots. I have my best friends and mentor telling me to "give up" and I failed my "heart test" miserably".

I am afraid, SO afraid to make the same wish again. So I am going to be really selfish and make a slightly different wish - I wish for a "replacement block" for the heart before the dent is created, can?

Please...

Happy New Year!

Again, how come end of year is the time to review "KPIs" for the whole year and new year is to set new (recycle) resolutions?

Oh well, here goes... 2010 has been a year of many changes for me. Biggest risk I took was resigning from my full time job to be full time baker. Okay, not exactly for the first few months, but it is now. Income has been really unstable, it is really scary. With lesser courage, I would have jumped back into the rat race already. But for now, I feel that so long as I believe in what I do and have faith, things will work out with God answering our prayers. I do not know what is set forth for me career wise, I don't even know if I am able to get an ideal space to start up TeaRoom anytime soon or not. But it does seem logic, and the only way to have TeaRoom store front set up this year, in 2011. Finger crossed.

Another major change in life is the moving out of sis, BIL and baby from this house. It gave a really "empty" feeling at first. I even cried a lot when I first learnt of this arrangement, that time mainly because of mum who has resulted in this move. But to think of it, this is actually a good arrangement, mum although appeared to be cruel, but she has done a big favour. Sis should really have her own place, a place that belongs to her and her family to do whatever she likes with freedom she couldn't get when she was with me. Besides, there was really not enough space for 3 of them in my house. I was expecting mum to have moved out too last year, but that major change has been reserved for year 2011. I didn't ask her when so I'm not sure myself what's the plan.

With the above two changes alone, my life has changed tremendously from everyday routine to spending, to lifestyle... It's really uncertain but I will have faith :).

As for MFG, he is still my favorite guy. So many people told me to give up, some said hope is there... I don't want to begin to analyse the situation or how I feel or anything like that. The fact is, whether I give up or not is not the issue here... I'll just let MFG be where he is now and wait, wait for the right guy to appear. Or I'll just stay put at where I am. I guess I spent so many years wishing and hanging on to the idea of being single that I might need equally many years to wish OUT of that. Warrrhggg... That would be say another 20 years or so... a long wait indeed! LOL!

"KPI" for 2011? No, nothing... will see how it goes and take things one at a time. Will deal with it when I need to. As for now, right now, there is CNY bake to "look forward" to. What a year - the past and the coming one!