Dream-ing

It's opened!

TeaRoom is FINALLY opened, as an outlet, a cafe... But of course it was a mess and we are all still trying to fine tune the operations and hopefully able to find the right way to operate it so that it does not close down!

It's so unreal, many people congratulating me on my dream coming true, after 4 years! But at many points I asked myself why do I want to do this! And if anyone ask me at this very instance, my advice is DON'T do it! But hopefully soon I will be contented and can tell you that I enjoyed the experience and am glad that I did this - hopefully not too long away.

Meanwhile, following up from my last post, I got the bell :)

"Fragile"

I'm still waiting...

Waiting for time to pass and feeling to go. Meanwhile, I know I'm not quite there yet when all I feel like doing now is to tell you that I miss you.

It's funny that I always tell MFG that he's my best friend. But it's not quite like any of my best friends. How to explain...?

With other people, it is a lot easy asking certain questions but when it comes to MFG, there are some partcularly difficult to ask questions, like "where are you going?", "How long?" and the most challenging one for me is "WHO are you going with?". Actually, to think of it, I don't remember asking that question. If I really really can't stop myself, I will ask "are you going alone?" haha... And if his answer is "No." fullstop, then there will be no more questions, haha...

There was this very incident last week during one of those adhoc lunch meets with MFG. The conversation went... Okay, I can't even remember how the conversation went but it suddenly got to me when he said something like "especially I need to get ready for my trip next week" blah blah...

And then I said "ohhh" and with great hesitation, I asked "where are you going?" (although I don't see him everyday and it doesn't make a difference to my everyday life, but I still feel that emptiness kind of feeling just knowing that he is not in town/ the country)

Then I remember that I asked "Where is Geneva?" Haha... No I won't ask the "who" question. :)
And then "ohh... Switzerland, then you can get me chocolates, and I want the cow bell!" (did I get the country right? Or should that be Germany?) :p

And MFG said he has no time for shopping... Did I asked the "how long?" question? I can't remember but I remember asking him why he was going and I got quite a few information from then onwards. I got the "going Monday coming back Saturday" and "I am going there for..." and I have been told "going with aaa and bbb" and then the "no time for shopping, even his friend told his wife that they are not going shopping".

Me: "airport duty fee?" :D

Haha... that wasn't too bad. Even managed to finally typed the "I will miss you" when I send him whatsapp message before he board the plane. Then to my pleasant surprise we managed to have a short MSN chat with him when he was waiting for his connecting flight. While I was sleeping, he was off for his 12 hours flight plus 3 hours train ride. Awww poor thing, such a tiring trip. But I'm sure he was with good company - two of his guy friends I know were going with him.

No matter what, the relationship is best friend labelled "handle with care".

Is my dream finally coming true?

Is it real?

I got the keys today to the future TeaRoom. Even when I typed this, it seemed so unreal and scary too. It is not a time for hesitation and questioning of ability, but I will be so amazed if this works out as (or better than!) I have always dreamt of.

Even MFG said he can't wait... well, I can't wait to see him more, hopefully everyday - that will be double dream come true. But since it sounded too good to be true, it is most probably not true.

Perhaps one dream at a time. I am feeling super lucky and blessed to have great partners around. If not for them, this cannot happen and it is not because I haven't the courage to do it, but will be because I cannot afford it. What have I done to deserve this? I must do more for others, I promised myself.

I missed my guinea pig tonight, I wish I can tell her that TeaRoom is finally going to be up. I missed mum tonight, I wish I can tell her that I am really thrilled about getting TeaRoom started. But they are both so far away from me in different ways...

It's finally happening!

I started the TeaRoom brand name in year 2007 and was selling cakes before that. Started baking? That was when I was in primary school, my current moist chocolate cake was "founded" when I was in high school junior middle 3... I have been wanting to start TeaRoom for ages, at one point I got really frustrated that things were not working out.

After a while, I learnt to be patient and trust that good things happen to those who waits. We registered Tearoom Sdn Bhd more than a year ago and since aggressively looking for a suitable place. I won't say that the one we have booked is the best place, it might not even be termed as ideal, but it is good enough and I think is a good start - it's a start.

So finally, it's going to happen in June, a quiet opening of TeaRoom first outlet! I am excited of course but worried also that things might not fall into places. Well I guess we just have to constantly pick up pieces and try to make ends meet. Whoever said it is going to be easy? No one every told me that, but everyone told me to have faith, and faith I should have.

MFG asked me out for dinner last week. I would love to say that things are finally happening with him too, but sigh. He was organising a dinner with some friends and he asked me to join. But good enough to be in his circle of friends I supposed - those were all his friends that I got to know lately through him. It was kind of nice to be at his side although no string attached whatsoever. You know I always like someone taking care of me at the dining table, dishing food into my plate - I meant when it is someone I like and not the waiter. So I got that "service" the whole night, although I was not the only one he was dishing food for haha... I can sometimes make things sound rather romantic depending on the way I write it :p He is so really caring and I still like him so so much...

He is the kind of guy who doesn't really put ego first and he is always there for his friends. He is not afraid of being bullied, actually he doesn't see it that way. Everyone loves him. And so I went into one of my Ally Mcbel fantasies and imaging him telling me that he is getting married, to another girl. I remember doing that heart test some months ago... Last week was a busy week and I actually did not find myself thinking about MFG so much. I was beginning to miss him and thought I will ask him out for lunch this week. And that was when I got his message for the dinner gathering...

What was the result of my heart test? No cold sweat this time, heart felt okay although I will still not attend the wedding and no wedding cake from me, sorry. Maybe time is really the essence. I feel kind of so "sayang" to just let him "go"...

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger

I'm back after about one month... not too bad lah even though there it is dusty in here already. Cough cough...

I have been really busy - I basically have 3 jobs now: TeaRoom, Project Consultant and HK Web Consultant aka copy writer. I am planning to take up the offer from MFG for one of his market research job. I know I am really busy, but I do have some spare time some times when I don't need to write... and it is MFG we are talking about here, if you know what I mean ^^

Next week, I will know if my TeaRoom venue can be confirmed. If all go well, you will be able to have tea with me at TeaRoom in May or June this year. If you are thinking about invitation, I am not having a party. I just want to open shop, start business and get the revenue stabilized. Then we talk party when I have the budget. But please do drop by when it's open :)

Meanwhile, the topic of the world is currently the tsunami disaster in Japan. Even being attacked by such disaster its people still appear to me as the strongest people I have known. In dire moments, they did not go hysterical, they know exactly what to do, they support each other, the even still queue up at the supermarket to get urgent supplies - imagine this in other countries, there would have been robbery cases everywhere already. I really admire them as being the kind of person they are. I truly believe that they will be able to stand back up again very soon, and they will stand taller and stronger than ever. I am not surprised that they may even think of a way to ensure survival of tsunami - if it does happen again. But touch wood that nothing serious will happen to them again. Some might say that it is karma for what they have done centuries ago, and if that is true, good for them because they have paid up hefty sum of debts this time and they should be freed from bad karma very soon. My prayers are with them.

Lucky me, I am currently enjoying a great life. I only need to go to office 2 times a week for 2 half days. I am managing my TeaRoom orders so that I don't have to suffer from last minute order that I had to get ready overnight. Extra income from copy writing. Most importantly, enjoying my free time :)

Free time not for long...

I'm back! For a split second...

Ish ishhhh.... I see cobwebs in here! Didn't even post any CNY greetings in here. Must come back for a belated spring cleaning.

I have loads to story but for now, I need sleep!

Did you know?

I was on FB and I kept seeing links to pictures I took with you, so I clicked into some of them. They reminded me that we used to spend so much time together those days. So many lunch alone with you, and I wished I had that special feelings towards you from day one, at least I would have enjoyed being alone with you in a different and special way more times. Those were the days when you were my lunch "sponsor" including driving me around for lunch all the time. Did you know that actually some of the later lunch became really special for me? I love the way I feel when you bought me pineapple because you knew that it's my favorite fruit.

I used to make you my number one guinea pig. Did you know that some of the items were not "experiments"? Most items were those I knew I can make very well. Did you know how contented I felt whenever I managed to make something you like to eat?

At one point I was making fruit juices for you almost every morning, and I told you I was making for me and sis anyways and will give you the extras. Did you know that it wasn't entirely true? I had purposely made extra for you. I still remember that some nosy people in the office was trying to interrogate you for the source of your supply but since you promised me not to say, you let them think it was someone else. :)

Although I really like the way I feel when I see you everyday for the whole day, I really thought it was best that you left. Did you know when I first learnt that you wanted to leave, I was in such despair I cannot begin to describe? Especially when someone told me you wanted to leave the country.

Looking at one those pictures of ours, it reminded me that what I like most about you is not your achievements, or your personality, or your looks (although I really do love them all) but it was about who I am - how I feel whenever I am with you, how I look when I am beside you... I can see it from the pictures - I can see myself looking so beautiful until I cannot take my eyes off myself.

I miss me - the one with the contented face beside yours.

Be careful what you wish for

I just did a "heart test" and I got cold sweat with a big rock dropped into my stomach kind of feeling!

I told myself that MFG will turn up during our next meet up with his girlfriend. And it was a scary feel I got there. Geezzz... didn't realize that my heart is in such bad condition, it's really hard to believe how difficult it is to convince myself. And my head just told me to leave the heart alone already! Such pointless test!!

It is a night of "think too much" again, which is nothing new. I actually hated that hopeless feel I made my heart go through but I know now that I am still not ready for the news. When I used to like someone before MFG, I once wish for either things to happen or let there be something to "kill" the heart of that feeling. And I did get a piece of terrible (then felt) news that made me totally gave up on the feelings towards that guy in question. However, honestly, I don't remember that my heart felt this bad, I had that same cold sweat, end of hope feeling, but not as scary as now. Maybe I told my heart that "false" piece of news just now when I was alone. The last time I was told of the other mentioned piece of bad news, I had MFG right in front of me.

I looked back and can see "dots" all over the past... I remember being the one who told MFG to get to know more about the girl he was seeing and he found reason for him to stop seriously seeing her. He found reason for me to forget about the guy I used to like so much.

I met him when he was so ready to settle down, I was happy to guess that I wasn't too far from the kind of person he might like. I used to think for the past many years that I want to be single, but I felt otherwise after I get to know my feelings towards MFG. We were (are) both single and had quite a lot in common (or I'd like to think so) but I can't seem to see the line that is supposed to join all the "dots". I am still hoping that the dots are yet to be joined, or joining but requires more dots. I have my best friends and mentor telling me to "give up" and I failed my "heart test" miserably".

I am afraid, SO afraid to make the same wish again. So I am going to be really selfish and make a slightly different wish - I wish for a "replacement block" for the heart before the dent is created, can?

Please...

Happy New Year!

Again, how come end of year is the time to review "KPIs" for the whole year and new year is to set new (recycle) resolutions?

Oh well, here goes... 2010 has been a year of many changes for me. Biggest risk I took was resigning from my full time job to be full time baker. Okay, not exactly for the first few months, but it is now. Income has been really unstable, it is really scary. With lesser courage, I would have jumped back into the rat race already. But for now, I feel that so long as I believe in what I do and have faith, things will work out with God answering our prayers. I do not know what is set forth for me career wise, I don't even know if I am able to get an ideal space to start up TeaRoom anytime soon or not. But it does seem logic, and the only way to have TeaRoom store front set up this year, in 2011. Finger crossed.

Another major change in life is the moving out of sis, BIL and baby from this house. It gave a really "empty" feeling at first. I even cried a lot when I first learnt of this arrangement, that time mainly because of mum who has resulted in this move. But to think of it, this is actually a good arrangement, mum although appeared to be cruel, but she has done a big favour. Sis should really have her own place, a place that belongs to her and her family to do whatever she likes with freedom she couldn't get when she was with me. Besides, there was really not enough space for 3 of them in my house. I was expecting mum to have moved out too last year, but that major change has been reserved for year 2011. I didn't ask her when so I'm not sure myself what's the plan.

With the above two changes alone, my life has changed tremendously from everyday routine to spending, to lifestyle... It's really uncertain but I will have faith :).

As for MFG, he is still my favorite guy. So many people told me to give up, some said hope is there... I don't want to begin to analyse the situation or how I feel or anything like that. The fact is, whether I give up or not is not the issue here... I'll just let MFG be where he is now and wait, wait for the right guy to appear. Or I'll just stay put at where I am. I guess I spent so many years wishing and hanging on to the idea of being single that I might need equally many years to wish OUT of that. Warrrhggg... That would be say another 20 years or so... a long wait indeed! LOL!

"KPI" for 2011? No, nothing... will see how it goes and take things one at a time. Will deal with it when I need to. As for now, right now, there is CNY bake to "look forward" to. What a year - the past and the coming one!