Where do I go?

It does seem like I am doing a half yearly blogging over here. Needless to mention, it has been really hectic. Last week was really hectic though I have came across more tiring weeks. Something I noted, however, was that I have particularly missed MFG during the past whole week. It has been kind of calmer for a long while till lately again. (I just read my last post and indeed I felt milder towards this). Just found from another friend that he was overseas, was that the reason I missed him especially more? He has been further away...

Like I have just told another girl friend of mine (I cannot remember all those nicknames I gave to my blog characters!) that the MFG chapter is a no ending story. There will be an end but there will not be a fruitful one. Except for, of course, the great friendship between us.

Anyways, the cake biz was so bad that I have decided that I would want to go back to work, perhaps 5 half days and then work here half day, that was also when the cafe was really so quiet when I made that decision. No, it didn't happen yet because I was not actively searching for a job and I got really busy last week.

Going to the extreme will be to close down this business, which will be such a waste but I have no choice because I need income to prevent my status to becoming "bankrupt". As for now, I am staying and eating for free supported by MC, how grateful I am... but it cannot be for long, besides free lodging there has also been a lot of money borrowed. It is really bad.

I wonder if I can talk about something more cheerful the next time I blog...

How are you feeling?

It has been more than half a year since I last blogged. Tearoom has taken over my life and it is not always what I feel that I wanted. But there is no such thing as a full fledged, smoothly operating Tearoom on day one... I have been through really rough time, not really with starting up and operating Tearoom, but more of my personal life especially the financial bit. I am still having financial problems only taking a break last 2 months because I was blessed with a great boss from my project consulting job and to give up my house, I gain some extra income.

But not for long, I am not sure how I am able to pull through for next month, actually, this coming month end.

Maybe if I open all my ang pows I will have enough money to pay all my bills? Yes, still single and still the same MFG. But there has been signs that Time has diluted the feelings, and I am sure MFG will be so happy and relieved to know, that is IF he knows that I still have strong feelings towards him. No one else has appeared in my life otherwise, is it a sign? Or it simply means that I have no life lately. I cannot recall the date of his birthday though, perhaps that's a sign too? Or it simply means that I am not organized and have no time for friends lately.

Which ever way, I hope to improve the quality of my life this year. Have now settled in comfortably in my sis house and feel really like home. So blessed. It's strange but home is a feeling and not a place that was why I have not been feeling like home recently until I moved in here. It's also more comfortable working figurines as well as paper work on this work desk I am occupying now.

Perhaps some items need to be taken out from the dream list, but whether there is any "replacement dream" or just work on the current dream is what I hesitate to decide.

Sometimes you take so much time wishing for something, it might take you equally long time to "unwish" them...

It's all in the mind right?

One thing I realized whenever I am sick is that my mind begins to play trick on my heart. Hmm... I know, I'm speaking nonsense.

When I am ill, I have this floating in eternity feeling, helpless. I keep hoping to find a safe place to hide and not do anything. Give up dreams because my head told me that it is impossible, very difficult and my heart feels that I'm not up to the fast beat. This feelings give me cold sweat sometimes.

Haven't seen MFG for a long time and I've met him for lunch today. Before I saw him, I thought his embrace would be one warm place to hide myself from all my unsettled feelings. But when I saw him, I forgot about the hug... When we parted, he gave me a big hug but I've forgotten his good bye kiss... What's with me today?

Gave MFG his early birthday present today because I've gotten it the other day when I went to town (I don't go to town often lately) and why not give him his present early right? Glad to see that he was amazed by the present and said he liked it. I regret not getting him a slightly better one with the slight increase in cost. But he said it was good enough. Trust him to say that.

It was such a calm feeling sitting across MFG, I can talk and laugh all day but too bad I had to get back to the office. Meeting up with MFG has always been the happiest highlight for the week, but this time I feel so sick after leaving the lunch place. My heart was so painful that I asked myself "would you rather not know this person?". But we are such good friends, he's such a great guy to talk to, he is always genuinely concerned about me, caring and all... I would love to have a friend like him forever.

But sometimes the pain is just too intense.

Tried not to follow up on the on line chat since he didn't respond to my message, sent while he was away. Played a round of game to distract myself. Tears are still dripping. I need medicine for my heart. Bandage it up perhaps...

I will try my best...

I was quite inspired the other day when Swee discussed about this Chinese proverb - "百世修得同船渡，千世修来共忱眠". We were discussing the word "修" and were trying to determine what was the best translation for this word to English. Normally this word alone means something like "cultivate" but in this sentence, it doesn't mean cultivate. Well, it does still have the essence of cultivating I feel, but we thought then that it was supposed to mean more like "put in effort" or "hard work".

This proverb was from the Buddha - 佛曰: 百年修得同船渡，千年修得共枕眠! 而千年之后又能相守几时? 并非我曰! He also said - 五百次的回眸，才换来人群中的一次擦身而过.

It is difficult to translate the proverb word by word, but if we must, this is what it means roughly - "one will get to be in a same boat (crossing the river etc) with another person after one has made an effort (to build a relationship) with this person in question for the passed one hundred years; one will get to share the same pillow (actually means gotten married with each other) with another person after one has made an effort (to build a relationship) with this person for the passed one thousand years."

Buddha also said - "only after one has turned five hundred times to glance at another person that one will get to closely pass by this other person in question in the crowd for one time."

The discussion topic was actually about "缘" - destiny.

Like Swee said, from her point of view, and it actually meant to say, that it took great effort and "time" for two persons to be able to be together; therefore, we must cherish everyone around us, especially your other half. It is not easy, IF ONLY we remember our passed lives (yes Swee, coming to that point too shortly) that you will really feel and say the "it's not easy" with conviction. And if you can "see" what you've gone through to get to where you are with him/her today, I'm sure you will definitely handle the relationship with utmost care. :)

Now I will leave Swee to talk about this in her blog - are you still going to blog about this? Else can always leave your views in my comments and start another discussion session here with some anonymous - if they do drop in. Haha...

So I told Swee that I feel really sad every time I see this proverb because I actually see this from another point of view as well - which you might think is negative.

If I have met someone I really like and have done all the right things I could but still couldn't get things to work out between the two of us, it is because there has not been enough effort during the passed lives to enable "enough" destiny for our relationship to work in this life. Therefore, there is nothing I can do about it - at least not for now.

So, knowing the "theory" behind this matter of destiny, I will not give up on all the possible efforts - I will still try my best to stay in touch with him, make sure I send him a "good morning" message everyday, be at outings and occasions where he will be at, pamper him with as many gifts as I can (or as he will accept), and not give up being just his best friend because I've probably put in a lot of effort in the passed nine hundred years to get to be his best friend - and with all these aforementioned efforts, I will probably get to be with him in my next, or next next next next life.

(note to self - lets just 往生净土 and never "come back" actually)

Nevertheless, I'm somewhat positive, no?

And my dearest said, the problem is I will not remember (him). I know I won't remember him, but with so much effort, I know I will like him all over again.

And hopefully he will feel so too then.

The Situation

I actually do feel miserable sometimes. Handling such intangible thing like feelings is a very tricky task and whoever said it's going to be easy anyways.

The situation is like this. I don't feel like giving up my feelings because I suppose you never try you never know. The tricky part is, I cannot "try" it out now. And who says he has mutual feelings and would like to "try" things out anyways? The tricky part again is, he didn't say much about his feelings towards me, it was more of his feelings and views towards "the situation".

I would like to handle this "professionally" but again, the tricky part is it's hard to draw a clear line. I mean, drawing A line is not hard, but where to draw it? The thing is, I'm not like erm... a car air-condition, I cannot just switch myself from cold air mode to warm air mode and back again. Besides, how can I switch from cold to warm and warm to cold without confusing anyone?

And then, it seems like a good idea, or the only idea rather, to work on it without really working on it because of the line drawn as above. So it would be like swimming with a handcuff on - I know I can swim and I know how far my hands could go, how strong a stroke I can make, but I can't do much because I'm being handcuffed, remember? I might not drown because I can float, but it's not a good feeling to be floating in the sea with my hands tight.

Maybe it's good that things can sometimes be put to a dramatic end. At least it's clean and straight forward that way, no dangling and dragging. The tricky part is no one told me that it's 100% impossible, yet. So the situation might not be dragging per se but developing. So, then perhaps it's okay to think that anything is possible WITHOUT putting up any expectation. In this kind of situation, there comes the uncertainty, the constant slump in the stomach and lump in the throat whenever I hear his name, see his shadow, smell his scent... that miserable feeling whenever I confirm that I am not special (yet, or never ever); or when I think that he's seeing someone already. That's when I increase my dosage of "don't expect anything" hence the depressing sense of loss. Time to run?

Staying neutral is an option, but a great challenge for me. Say if I leave it alone for now, should I leave the feelings alone to grow, or let it subside? To me I don't see a way to hibernate the feelings for now so that it remains exactly the same until I need to dig it out again later, either to grow it, or to put a stop to it. If feelings can be controlled, I have lost my remote controller to my heart.

Divert attention is fine but during situation like now, the attention creeps back to the matter which unnerves me. While I try to avoid anything extreme at the moment, my feelings are uncontrollable.

Are there any other options? Have I left out anything?

Growing The Feelings

Have you ever grew a plant? I remember growing something for experiments at school - red beans scattered on wet cottons placed inside a box with an opening - to prove that sunlight determines the direction of growth for the leaves...

Logically, a seed cannot grow into trees unless it's in good soil, along with water, fertilizer and warmth. Maybe same goes to the seed of love - the feelings can only grow with conditions of the right environment, along with the right amount of tender loving care.

But then again, we often "discover" growing feelings in the soil of our hearts, which seeds we might not have planted ourselves intentionally. It might not even be the right time, or right place, or right person. Perhaps the seeds had settled in softly without us knowing, just like the Dandelion seeds carried by the wind. The feelings might be able to grow without us paying much attention to it during the beginning. Maybe the special feelings will blossom into a full grown relationship. Maybe it won't.

So naturally, feelings, especially those which have not grown into a strong big tree will, I suppose, tend to die after a while if it's not nourished enough. We also often find our feelings diminished after a while of no response or single sided effort.

But perhaps the more worrying issue is when the feelings grew strong like stubborn roots to the soil. Because, how do we uproot a feeling that is not supposed to be growing in our hearts?

Perhaps only time is able to help.

加油！！！

你很累了吗？

最近加快了脚步，为了赶上忙碌的生活；把每一天的时间排的密密麻麻，想要把每一件事情都办好。

然而，令人焦虑的事情总会在忙得没有日夜的此时此刻出现，另已经累弯腰的身体加添负荷。

我会... 把手心按在胸口，告诉自己 - 没关系，我可以做到！



很有压力吧！

最近加多了思绪，为了追求理想的结局；将每一刻的心情系在某人某事，想要把每一个障碍都越过。

可是，令人期待的愿望总不在烦得无法平静的一呼一吸实现，将已快要发疯的情绪紧受压逼。

我会... 把头抬起，深深的叹一口气，告诉自己- 没关系，我有巧克力！

放纵片刻，休息加油 - 愿你轻松完成所有使命！

思念

曾以为思念是因为... 相隔遥远两地而牵肠挂肚。

曾以为想见是因为... 很久不见对方而朝思暮想。

原来思念是... 面对面，相见不相知；时常见，有意但犹豫。

~A Chinese post inspired by Carebear~

Anticipation

等待

等待，是一种怎样的滋味？
是甜甜的喜悦？ 是酸酸的嫉妒？ 是苦苦的思念？ 还是辣辣的心痛？

等待，像是一种没有特效药的疾病；
不会传染， 只会在心里永无止境的滋生。

~All rights reserved. Carebear~


From: TTB
23:53
December 8, 2008

Did you write tat? Very gud wo!


From: Carebear
00:03
December 9, 2008

Yeah I did :-)

I think...

Anticipation is, stomach full of butterflies - if you are waiting for a person who makes your heart skip that beat; if you are waiting for an sms, an email, a MSN message...

Anticipation is, like a life sentence - if you are waiting for a person who makes your heart aches; if you are waiting for his response, his acknowledgement, his answer...


Carebear says:
on December 9, 2008 at 6.00pm on MSN

等待

等待，是一种什么样的滋味？
是甜甜的窃喜？
是酸酸的嫉妒？
是苦苦的思念？
还是辣辣的心痛？

那五味掺伴的感觉，像没有特效药的疾病。
不会散播传染， 只会在病患心中永无止境的滋长。。
等待- 是无期限的

Anticipation is a mixed feeling, a sickness with no antidote.
Anticipation is not infectious, but it will infest in the person's heart forever.
Waiting, is eternity.

Emotional and Rational

(translated from Dec 2 post, by request - as close as I can though)

It's actually difficult to draw a line and choose between being emotional and rational.

When emotional reigns, we are fueled with courage to love selflessly - giving without doubts and regrets; But when emotional overpowers us, we could become oblivious and sometimes unreasonable.

Rational put us in control in love - systematic arrangements, conscientious analysis on each and every decisions with full alert; But rational could also transform us into boring lovers or even apathetic and cold.

How would you choose between emotion and rational? I think I will choose to be rational...

感情和理智

感情和理智本来就是很难分清和决择的。

感情用事让我们忘我的勇敢去热爱-无怨无悔，不怀疑的为对方付出；可是感情用事也可以使我们变得盲目和甚至有时不可理喻。

理智让我们清楚的控制爱情-按部就班的安排，清醒的分析感情路上的每一决定；可是理智也可以使我们变得没有情趣甚至冷漠无情。

感情和理智，你要怎样抉择呢？我想我会选择理智 。。。

Heartache

Is heartache an emotional or physical pain?

Heartache is such an indescribable emotional feeling; so intangible yet giving such a real physical pain.

Heartache is when we regret, insulted, angry, disappointed... It's when we loose something very precious; when the story didn't end the way we'd hope.

Have you ever love someone so much that your heart aches?

Fortunately, heartache is not a fatal disease, and the possibility of us getting a upper-hand in handling heartache is quite high.

Time is one of the best remedy towards heartache. At first, you might find that every single thing in your life sends pangs of pain to the heart - those memories, that familiar scent, the usual hang out place, that particular song, the sweater you wear... You might wake up feeling empty, lost and devastated; wouldn't want to even be conscious to go through the day...

But, in time, you will discover that all those familiar little details once distressing and unbearable are now just priceless collections of your memory, no longer tugging the string of your heart. You will wake up feeling strong and recovered; all ready to charge through the day.

Relaxation helps calm disorganized emotions and rumpled feelings. Struggling might drown you; Drift with the flow and you will float through the deepest water.

Can little sweet indulgence help patching up the heart a bit?

Helpful? Only if help is needed...

Heard a radio interview last two nights about a lady starting some awareness campaigns about children fatal sickness and charitable activities. She pointed out something which is extremely valid and a great reminder - We will only be helpful, if we are rendering the kind of "help" required by the needy.

She gave an example of a dying child at his final stage of cancer: We are not really being helpful if we give him loads of toys or money; perhaps what he really needs are care and company during his most frightful and final part of the journey?

This reminded me of the recent Tsunami when millions of caring folks had instantly donated -besides money - food, clothes and many other stuff. I heard that the charity organizations had had too many clothes and toys donations till they had to turn down (some people were like spring cleaning out stuff that they didn't need, geezz). My mum who had heard all about that had waited for TV announcement about the kind of items the victims really required and at the end, we sent some milk powder, milo, canned food and blankets etc as advised.

My grandpa is another good example - he made us feel so unhelpful every time we tried to help - we always like to help him walk or go up the steps by trying to support him, we even brilliantly suggested getting him a walking stick. What we often got in return was grandpa telling us he can walk by himself, and we could almost see the flash of insult on his face, sometimes.

How often do we try to help people around us with the most sincere and well planned attempts? But, do we always know or try to find out whether the help we offered was adequate, appropriate or even pertinent to the person? Leave alone whether the "help" given had caused any inconvenience, discomfort or even insults. Like the Chinese saying “越帮，越忙”.

Sometimes it's not about how we feel towards helping, the more important point is how the person we intend to help will feel upon receiving our "help". Our parents had forever tried to "help" us; they help us grow up, help us with planning our lives and help us to choose... I am truly grateful towards the sacrifices my mum had made, but honestly, I don't always feel great towards the "help" she offered me sometimes.

So, do me a favour the next time when I tried to render you my unhelpful help - tell me off please!

Expectation vs Disappointment

modified on 16 Nov 10.00am (because I was too sleepy last night to write up certain things - SORRY if you've read this already last nite)

Can I count how many things I expect everyday? and was I happy with the outcome most of the time, or disappointed? Actually I can't even remember because I cannot be bothered?

While we grow older, we grow to expect more, from our life, from our family, from our friends. At the same time, we also grow OUT of expectation with more stuff, more people.

How often do we creat our little "ideal ending" for the episodes we go through daily and expect the stories to end like fairy tales do? Can we always achieve what we've planned for ourselves? Even if we can control how we deal with matters in hand, can we control other people's doing? Their reactions? Their feelings?

The one very small matter that I've gone through, and is still going through now and then, is the Law of expectation and disappointment towards text messages (This might sound familiar to you but I'm seriously talking about ME, not insinuating anything or about anyone). I send text messages out naturally expecting for a reply. I cannot be bothered whether my mum reply to tell me she'd got my message; I'm ok if my sister reply my text with only a "k"; I will call up my cousin if she doesn't reply my message (haha... can't I have just called her in the first place?); But I must become disappointed when certain people do not reply my text... only certain people. And, there will be time I ask myself, what do I expect this person to do anyways? Right?

Would it be more soothing to my heart if I just set a lower expectation, or no expectation at all towards people around me? At the same time receive lower expectations from others towards me (or just don't expect anything from me)? Perhaps no one can ever meet the expectations we set for them because we ourselves might not even be able to meet those expectations ourselves.

The world is full of differences. The higher your expectation, the more your disappointment.

Are you being silly? Or am I?

If you like someone who might not like you back, are you being silly?

You are not being silly, you might find out one day, you are just taking a very "thorny" path; a tiring journey; an almost mission impossible - You are just being very ambitious because you would never know if you never try. At the end of the day, defeat or conquest, you will still stand proud for your battle scars and wounds instead of regretting for retreating to that save little protective shelter.

If I am overly sensitive towards other people's reactions, am I being silly?

I am not being silly, I have just found out today, I am just taking the safer journey; an easier way out; almost not wanting anything to commence - I am just being too observant for my own good because I have been very careless before. At the end of the day, whether I guessed right or wrong, it's still better to prevent than being sorry for wounding anyone, leaving scars in friendships.

Sometimes... Sometimes you will find that your friend is actually a god sent angel in disguised. Thank you.

Thank you for enlightening me tonight, it's worth missing gym for. (OK, not the missing gym part, I really have to work hard tomorrow to battle off fats)

Black Coffee vs Cafe Latte

Used to love latte over black coffee because I like the richer and creamier texture of the latte; sweet and indulging; giving the satisfying feeling of exploring the multi layer of aroma and taste.

Didn't like black coffee because it's too bitter, almost sourish at times; too thin of a texture and well, didn't like the colour as well. Carebear told me once how she'd enjoy her scone over a cup of black coffee and I couldn't agree with her taste.

Lately... I've learnt to like black coffee a lot. I still didn't like black coffee made of instant Nescafe but I like the traditional Kopi O. Actually, my office tea lady started me off with this new habit. She was making Kopi O for everyone, and out of the sole reason of didn't want to create any inconvenience for her making me separate type of coffee, I accepted it, with doubts that I would even finish the cup.

But surprisingly after that, I've had black coffee as my favorite choice at home, in office and when I visit the kopitiams - I will still opt for rich Frappuchino or Ice Blended with loads of whipped cream when I hang out at Starbucks and Coffee Bean though.

Funny how opinions and preferences change over time and over small incidents. Now, I like the bitterness of black coffee, contrast with the usual sweet and rich flavours of the other stuff I eat; I like the simple one layer texture, "feels" healthier without the fattening creamer. Now without any other ingredients overpowering the coffee, the aftertaste is coffee alone - which was the original idea of drinking coffee, wasn't it?

Perhaps simplicity should be what we look for in life, straight forward and focus.

Perhaps bitterness is something to be savoured and indulged in, instead of defying or self loathing towards.

Will I Really Know?

Will I really know when it's time?

I think I will, cuz I will feel that impulse, yearning to take off, to fly high and far...

Do I want to take the risk?

I'm not an everyday risk taker, but, better take up the challenge and fail gloriously than sulk later regretting for not seizing the moment...

Lets follow my heart...

Do I know what my heart desires?

Let intuition lead...

Am I inspired enough?

Lets decide. Soon...

It's so hard...

It's so hard to make certain decisions sometimes. There are too many "what if-s"

If I decided to go ahead, what if the plan turn our to be a disaster later? I will regret making a change...

If I decided not to go ahead, what if it's a brilliant idea? I will also regret later when my current situation fail to reward me further...

DECISIONS DECISIONS DECISIONS....................

By the way, I'm suppose to blog about my "brand" for the little indulgence, but I've not uploaded the pictures yet... So hopefully tonight - if I'm not too "busy" making decisions.

Change

Would you know if it's time you needed a change?

When I loose interest in certain things, is it time to engage with something different, for a change?

If I feel bored with doing something, does it mean it's time for a new goal, for a change?

Why do I no longer feel motivated to get to this place? Perhaps it's time to go new places, for a change?

Whoever I'm tired of handling, would it be possible for me to get way from this person, for a change?

Will I be able to pick up the hint, when it's TIME?