I actually do feel miserable sometimes. Handling such intangible thing like feelings is a very tricky task and whoever said it's going to be easy anyways.
The situation is like this. I don't feel like giving up my feelings because I suppose you never try you never know. The tricky part is, I cannot "try" it out now. And who says he has mutual feelings and would like to "try" things out anyways? The tricky part again is, he didn't say much about his feelings towards me, it was more of his feelings and views towards "the situation".
I would like to handle this "professionally" but again, the tricky part is it's hard to draw a clear line. I mean, drawing
A line is not hard, but where to draw it? The thing is, I'm not like
erm... a car air-condition, I cannot just switch myself from cold air mode to warm air mode and back again. Besides, how can I switch from cold to warm and warm to cold without confusing anyone?
And then, it seems like a good idea, or the only idea rather, to work on it without really working on it because of the line drawn as above. So it would be like swimming with a handcuff on - I know I can swim and I know how far my hands could go, how strong a stroke I can make, but I can't do much because I'm being handcuffed, remember? I might not drown because I can float, but it's not a good feeling to be floating in the sea with my hands tight.
Maybe it's good that things can sometimes be put to a dramatic end. At least it's clean and straight forward that way, no dangling and dragging. The tricky part is no one told me that it's 100% impossible, yet. So the situation might not be dragging per se but developing. So, then perhaps it's okay to think that anything is possible WITHOUT putting up any expectation. In this kind of situation, there comes the uncertainty, the constant slump in the stomach and lump in the throat whenever I hear his name, see his shadow, smell his scent... that miserable feeling whenever I confirm that I am not special (yet, or never ever); or when I think that he's seeing someone already. That's when I increase my dosage of "don't expect anything" hence the depressing sense of loss. Time to run?
Staying neutral is an option, but a great challenge for me. Say if I leave it alone for now, should I leave the feelings alone to grow, or let it subside? To me I don't see a way to hibernate the feelings for now so that it remains exactly the same until I need to dig it out again later, either to grow it, or to put a stop to it. If feelings can be controlled, I have lost my remote controller to my heart.
Divert attention is fine but during situation like now, the attention creeps back to the matter which unnerves me. While I try to avoid anything extreme at the moment, my feelings are uncontrollable.
Are there any other options? Have I left out anything?
Will you be there tomorrow? :)
