Surviving...

Okay lah, it's not like that bad but it's quite an apt word to describe my current schedule.

I have been having this feeling that I cannot see my schedules clear. It's good in a way that the baking business has picked up. This week for example had increased from one order to 5 orders (8 boxes) over the weekend. I am glad that friends and some "real" customers don't mind ordering from me. By the way, I've been doing so many pink bootees already for the baby shower cupcakes, anyone ordering some blue bootees soon?? In exchange with the good business is sleeping hours. Of course I can still sleep a lot but provided that I don't come on line, don't go gym...

But can't do right? Still need some "life".

So, I've been going to gym in the morning in order to free all my evenings for the cake biz. I've recently discover that the RPM classes at MML starts at 7.15am unlike most morning classes which starts at 7.00am. Anyways, not that I am able to make it to other gyms in the morning lah, basically, only can go either MML, Curve or Uptown. Last week I've been sick so total time out from gym. This week heavy orders but still managed to joined 2 RPM classes. Quite happy with that because it's definitely much much better cardio workout compared to just own cardio workout at the machines. I don't think I've the chance of really slimming down looking at my current lifestyle, but at least I need to make sure I don't grow any fatter but can still eat the food I like comfortably (comfortable as in my pants won't get too tight).

In terms of work, ohh... did you know I have gotten a promotion? Now manager. What's the difference? Nothing... there was an increment of 5% and oh well, like many said, and also I'd like to look at it the bright side, it's a good achievement for beginning of year 2010. This year will be a good year. What I need now is to survive through CNY hectic baking schedule and relax (hopefully) for a while :).

Meanwhile, I'm organising birthday dinner for MFG, which I think is rather interesting and enjoyable :).

That strange feeling

Ahhh... the word is "depression". As provided my MC. I guess I'm not the only one who feels so when ill. That constant creeping feeling on the spine, cold sweat sweeping through all the time...

Today, after 15 years of using and remembering my bank account number... I CANNOT recall the number when I wanted to bank in a cheque into my account!!! There was no way I could manage to unlock that part of my memory, or unblock that something that's in the way of my thoughts.

So it is like this when we fall sick, the feeling of hopeless, and life is no meaning kind of feeling.

Lets aim to stay healthy!

It's all in the mind right?

One thing I realized whenever I am sick is that my mind begins to play trick on my heart. Hmm... I know, I'm speaking nonsense.

When I am ill, I have this floating in eternity feeling, helpless. I keep hoping to find a safe place to hide and not do anything. Give up dreams because my head told me that it is impossible, very difficult and my heart feels that I'm not up to the fast beat. This feelings give me cold sweat sometimes.

Haven't seen MFG for a long time and I've met him for lunch today. Before I saw him, I thought his embrace would be one warm place to hide myself from all my unsettled feelings. But when I saw him, I forgot about the hug... When we parted, he gave me a big hug but I've forgotten his good bye kiss... What's with me today?

Gave MFG his early birthday present today because I've gotten it the other day when I went to town (I don't go to town often lately) and why not give him his present early right? Glad to see that he was amazed by the present and said he liked it. I regret not getting him a slightly better one with the slight increase in cost. But he said it was good enough. Trust him to say that.

It was such a calm feeling sitting across MFG, I can talk and laugh all day but too bad I had to get back to the office. Meeting up with MFG has always been the happiest highlight for the week, but this time I feel so sick after leaving the lunch place. My heart was so painful that I asked myself "would you rather not know this person?". But we are such good friends, he's such a great guy to talk to, he is always genuinely concerned about me, caring and all... I would love to have a friend like him forever.

But sometimes the pain is just too intense.

Tried not to follow up on the on line chat since he didn't respond to my message, sent while he was away. Played a round of game to distract myself. Tears are still dripping. I need medicine for my heart. Bandage it up perhaps...

Leaving

Another colleague of mine resigned.

That made two of them leaving this month. Is there something wrong with the company somehow? One would guess so... I've been with the company for 2 years now. It seems less promising by the day. But unlike my colleagues, I'm not ready yet.

I came to know that there are certain people who actually live in their dreams. I'm not talking about dreams as in a goal you wanted to achieve, but dreams as in lies that you told and believe that it is reality. It's like living in the dream world. But it does seem to me that this person is simply telling lies everyday, breaking promises, over promising, talking bad about others... This is the typical bad guy in those dramas. I wish hard to be away from this person soon. Please, please, please...

Ohh... I just watched the Princess and the Frog (did I get the movie title right?) cartoon just now. And when the girl wish upon the star, that was what she said "please, please, please...". And of course her wish came true! But be careful what you wish for as usual, especially when you wish for a "prince". :)

Besides being a very entertaining cartoon, one might learn the difference between what you want and what you need.

I think I know what I want, but... What is it that I need?

I can feel it...

...the pain in my butt.

Made a point to sleep early last night aiming to go for the 7.15 RPM at MML. I mean AM! And I MADE IT!!

My lifestyle has changed quite a bit lately. When Wookie asked me if I've terminated my gym membership because he hasn't seen me for a while, I felt like dejavu - I remember someone (or some few) asking me that before.

No lah, didn't terminate membership. In fact, "upgraded" to the platinum membership which is good news for my gym bag because now I don't have to stuff things in to make space for bath and face towels.

So, most of you haven't seen me at gym because I've been working out in the morning and reserving the evenings for cake orders. Yeah, cake orders are more consistent now, but unfortunately not big enough for me to retire and bake full time at home. Still need that extra source of revenue from a store front set-up. One day...

As for working out in the morning. Of course it gives me much more time in the evening to be at home. Since after the robbery case, mum is still paranoid and she is more comforted when I reach home early. MC also mentioned yesterday that she sees me more now a days.

The drawback for morning workout, however, is that I won't be joining classes - right until this morning. If I worked late for the cake orders, I normally do need that extra half hour of sleep. But when times like today where I managed to sleep early the night before, I could wake up half and hour earlier to go to gym. And since the class at MML was 7.15am instead of 7.00am, I have more time to get there.

As for work, I'm still there; as for cafe, I'm still not there. And I can so feel the tiredness, body screaming for me to take a break.

I must apply annual leave tomorrow for CNY baking.

Comfort

It has been peaceful this week.

Beginning of the year, almost everyone is still counting the days into year 2010. I think time suddenly passes very slowly. It's only the 8th day of the year and I'm already feeling very tired. I have not been having good appetite lately as well. It's like I'm the bunny in cheap battery, my energy cannot be summoned as my heart wishes.

However, the comforting part was I completed all tasks required by boss before he left for his business trip, no major drama other than the little episode where I disagree with some term definition. But of course the episode ended by him telling me I'm not listening and that I don't understand, and I am not looking at it in the right context.

Okay, fine. I'm not bothered actually because I have asked a few people and I've done my research and I know I am right. :)

It is also a comfort to be able to hug a cuddly little baby everyday after a long day at work. Haha... this sounds more like MC's script, but hey, Ah Yi feels the same too.

Having to chat with MFG on line everyday has been a comfort too, although one of the days we only exchanged "morning" and later "nite nite", there were also days when I guess MFG was quite free in terms of work and thoughts where he was extra chatty. Good enough to make me feel that he's just there beside me everyday.

There has not been much deliverable, but a peaceful week to be thankful about.

Listening

Be yourself.

I wonder to what extend can we do that. Notice that sometimes our emotions and decisions are influenced by daily happenings and people around us? And of course we appreciate our friends who are always around to listen, talk to us, give some advice and help us make certain decisions. But then again there are also certain occasions when we disagree with what our friends told us, or we don't know where they are coming from.

Our advisers might go "I know that it hurts by knowing the truth" or "I know it's painful to know, but I need to tell you...". Or sometimes certain friends are being too straight forward and less tactful, like it's just him/ her being him/ her... Well, it certainly is painful to the ear if not to the heart when you find that friends, instead of understanding you, are being extremely not supportive.

Then come the time when you think to yourself "should I still be myself?" or "shall I just trust myself?"

I think the answer should always be "yes". You see, really, we know ourselves the best. Though we know we are stubborn, but deep down, we are always logical when it comes to critical decisions. Just like you will surely let go of the match when the fire reaches your fingers because you do not want yourself to be hurt.

Besides, advisers sometimes based their advice from what we told them. Especially when it comes to popular topic of men (or women), if our friends have not met this person in question, how would he/ she be able to tell you what's going on or whether you should adapt Plan A or B or C? If you paint a positive picture and feedback on all the potential episodes, of course your friends will say "you go gal!". But whereas when you are being skeptical yourself, or trying not to sound too silly by going through all those little (perceived) sweet moments too much, how would they not tell you that things are not looking good?

As I stand by my theory, I would also like to be a more cheerful character for my friends.

When you are tired of waiting, I'll be there to cheer you on, "just a little bit more", or I'll ask you "is there something else you need to do (is there someone else you want to see)?, if not might as well just hang onto it".

When you are not sure if you are reading the "signs" correctly, I'll tell you to just be positive, so long as we don't loose our dignity, why not just react positively as well?

But when you are tired of crying, heart broken or not able to read any positive signs at all, I'll tell you to just forget about it, and I'll lend you my shoulder if you need one to cry on...