In loving memory...

I was getting ready for my happy moments of finally tendering my resignation the next day when mum told me grandpa had not been eating for 3 days. She told me to standby because he could be "anytime".

I got a text from sis in the next room when I was tossing in bed trying not to be affected by my insomnia, sis told me it was scary that the wind was blowing so strongly... some time after sending her a good night text, she sent me a text again to say that grandpa passed away...

It was such a heart breaking moment to see ah gong when they uncovered his face under the blanket - almost skeletal, a very old and helpless face. I wasn't close with ah gong, he only lived with mum and I for a short while, perhaps a year, two? I cannot remember. All I could remember was mum and grandpa always got on wrong foot, there were a lot of quarreling. But mum held onto her responsibility of taking care of her dad till one day one of my uncles decided to have him back.

Ah gong was from China, he had the traditional Chinese way of thinking that the son should take care of him and that when he died, he would want to be in his son's house. Too bad, my uncle couldn't hold on to his responsibility in taking care of my grandpa till his last days of life. The caretaker told us that ah gong was not in fear or suffering when he passed away, he was quietly but diligently chanting Buddha Amitabha's name. Although it's sad to be passing away in a stranger's place away from home, but perhaps at adverse situation, we then remember our cultivation and chanting.

Ah gong is believed to be 98 years old. We were not too sure I guess, I think the year on his identification card is different from the age he said he was. I always wonder how it would be living almost a hundred years. I sometimes forget that I am 35 years old, I cannot imagine how I would keep track of my age adding another 35 onto it, leave alone 65 years! And what does one do when one cannot walk properly, can't hear clearly and having a very blur vision? Ah gong used to be able to walk a far distance at the age of late 80s, if I remember correctly he's only helpless during the passed 5 years or so. He often said if he doesn't walk a lot, he wouldn't be able to walk. He's also a heavy smoker so I guess here's one case that had proven the theory of smoking shorten life wrong.

Honestly speaking, I wasn't too devastated with the news because it was expected at his age, and I felt that this is a relief to the living and a relief to ah gong. Again, I really cannot imagine, and am afraid to imagine how much pain he must have had during his last few years of life. Even one of the caretakers told us she wouldn't want to live till such old age, perhaps 60 years is quite enough for her.

Perhaps it's a coincidence, or maybe we do need some "cleansing" of our bodies. Sis and I had been sick. I started throwing up on Sunday night, in the middle of chanting for ah gong. Sis was down with terrible tummy upset the next morning. Mum was at the chanting session from midnight till noon the next morning and witness wonderful signs suggested that ah gong has "wang sheng" to the western pure land.

I'd to conduct a training this morning hence I reported to work for half a day and that was when I tendered my resignation letter. Which will be another story, another day. I left office by noon to lead a chanting session at my uncle's, where ah gong now lies until the cremation. If you would chant "amituofo" for ah gong, here's the script you can read at the end of your chanting:

愿以此功德
回向已故赖友居士
未往生，速往生
已往生，增长福慧
往生净土，增高品位
发菩提心，一向专念阿弥陀佛
同生净土，同圆种智

南无阿弥陀佛！

Final Chapter

It has been 3 years. And the relationship will be ending in a month starting tomorrow. I'm not sure if there is any right or wrong decision towards ending this relationship but I know that it gave my heart great relief when the decision was made, although it's also scary to resign without another job secured.

The person whom I am resigning from is one who likes to criticize on other people's decisions, only his are the best. No one else but him is good in doing all the tasks in the world. Whichever other company you join will definitely be a doom to you by his judgement. Whichever path you choose to follow after leaving his, he will definitely have some good pieces of advice for how best you should walk. Whatever thing that you didn't get that resulted in you leaving today, will happen tomorrow, so if you stay, you will get them the next day. He will tell you that you are leaving at the peak of the business, that we are sooooo close to harvesting the fruits.

Lets see whether I will make an exception tomorrow, and get an easy exit interview.

I have butterflies in my stomach, fluttering with excitement!

Happy Mother's Day

My relationship with mum has became bad along the way, and I don't even know when... She told me that she had taught me wrongly - so does it mean that I need to do other than those she told me to?

Anyways, lets not give up on trying. After all, no one is supposed to choose your mother.

I'd tried to talk to her with positive vibes, threw more cautious towards the tone of my speech, keeping back the actual emotion and choose the news that I deliver to her selectively.

It's working.

At least I think it is... when I told mum today that I'm changing to a new job, she asked me what about my plan for doing TeaRoom. I was so relieved to hear that, so she's not going to go head strong against the TeaRoom plan. When I also told her that I will be taking a long break before starting new job, she said that will give me more time to take orders and bake at home. Another relief from me. Finally, I told her I am negotiating on a flexible working hour for new job so that I can still spend relatively enough time for baking and when TeaRoom commercial materializes, I will be able to manage.

Mum was overall receptive towards the change, and she said she felt it was a good thing I joined this company as I'd learnt a lot (she used to comment that I made a bad decision on taking up this current job) and she said the change should be good.

Phew..... It's so easy talking to mum when she's in this "version".

Baked mum a gooey butter cake today, and we are all bringing her out for a Japanese buffet. I hope mum doesn't feel pressured or anything with our presence or whatever we do.

Happy mother's day to my mum! Hope her life will be a peaceful and serene one from now. Hope she has given up worrying TOO much about us and that she fully enjoy her life with the company of her grandchild, and many more to come :)

想念

发现很多时候想念你，比想把你忘记容易，因为心里有你总比把你从心里掏出来少一点心疼。

今晚特别想念你的微笑，想念你穿长袖衬衫的帅气，想念你吃巧克力蛋糕的摸样，想念和你相望的时刻，想念坐在你身边看你专注驾车的神态，想念。。。

Another Week

This week has been... hmmm, tiring.

First there was this briefing in office by boss on the new business defination and directions. Along with that new tasks and some changes which made me really tired just by imagining. It is also especially tiring when you no longer like what you are doing I suppose.

Followed by being tired of work, there was a cake order which was phsically tiring. But since it was something I love doing, the mind was feeling motivated. Having said that, at 1am the first night, the body was screaming for a break. Second night, I was asking myself why, oh why did I accept the order at 2am. Went to sleep at 5am hoping that I can sleep through the whole day the next day. After delivering the cake, I felt great!

I go through this stage everytime when I am rushing for a cake order at odd hours. It's always like that because one can never complete the cake order way in advance I suppose when one is dealing with perishable items. Need to keep them relatively fresh? Work last minute. Again, having said that, it would be useful if the orders are confirmed earlier, especially the theme to allow advance making of the figurines which needed time to dry and harden. Making the figurines in advance will also allow chance for re-sculpturing for a more perfect version.

That was work, my two jobs...

Had dinner with MFG just before I needed to work late nights for the order. Looks like MFG is still the guy that knows me best (notice I said guy? so I meant to say there are many gals who know me well and know me best guy is MFG... :)) and know to say the right thing all the time while being honest. Supportive, chatty, humourous at the right time, caring, good mentor... (good looking, fit, non-smoker, have own business... :p) just the kind of husband I'm looking for. Anymore MFG type out there who are available?

Nevertheless, I had a great Wednesday having spent dinner time with MFG, and on my way back, I bumped into (not really lah, like walked passed, saw each other) a local singer, movie actor - that perfected my night.

The icing of the cake that night was a job offer. Great! I need a change but there are things that are complicated, and everthing looks very unsettled now. Or perhaps should rather say I feel very unsettled and cannot see my future clear. Dreams are not yet coming true but change is urgently required. I resolved in praying hard and let amituofo decides and tell me what will be best.

After rushing to deliver the cake on Saturday evening, I had a real great time with sis, BIL and bebe. Time spent with family is always great. Too bad mum is not the same set of puzzle... sigh. Just came back from dinner with sis & fam, and one of her friends and this pretty sums up the week. I think I need a break, an off day other than weekends.

I'm feeling sleepy now and this is a good news for a Sunday night, looks like I won't have insomnia tonight. Finger crossed :)

A rather good Monday

Woke up early for RPM. Found that I didn't do too bad, instead, I think better and more energetic than last Friday, I guess because I had a good rest during the weekend. On my way out from the gym, the girl at the front desk told me that she wanted to ask me where did I get my stockings. Haha... so my new fashion is kind of noticeable... But she told me she got herself one at The Curve... yeah, she was wearing the thick black stocking. Nice...

Reached office and found that my "neighbour" was on half day leave. Good, which means half a day of fresh air. Yeah, my neighbour colleague there is a heavy smoker, every time he walked back after his cigarette break, he pollutes the air so badly that it made me want to puke and flares up my sinus immediately. Not just that, most of the time he has bad BO and when he burps..... yeeeuuuwwww.... don't even want to describe it.

So, today I finally decided that enough is enough, why do I want to be tolerate bad air quality? So I went to made a request with my boss who asked me why do I want to change cubicle. I told him that my place was very stuffy. Puzzled, my boss commented that I've been sitting at my place for more than 2 years but it only got stuffy now? At the end I told him the reason (truth) that my place got stuffy was because my colleague smell of smoke all the time and it's very smelly. That did it, boss told me to move to the next cubicle, but I told boss I want to move further. Haha.... he told me to choose where ever I want to move to. Happy!

Though my new place is now right at the middle, and with more people around me, less privacy, but hey, fresher air!!! Sometimes it just take one decision for better quality of "living" hehe...

Today's traffic seemed great, not much congestion. I find that my happiness is somehow determined by the traffic now a days haha... Overall quite a good Monday.

Baked chicken pie and a new cupcake recipe during the weekend since there were no orders, and they both turned out great. MC practically said she hasn't have enough chicken pie, and she had a lot of cupcakes too (and mum too had quite a lot) - I also couldn't stop myself from eating that. So I'm a happy baker.

Mother

It's not yet May, not yet Mother's Day when everyone writes about mothers and their sacrifices. But I have been noticing friends in FB and blog writing about mums.

How sad is that? I don't know what kind of relationship I am with mum right now, leave alone what kind of situation we will be in the future. Can love be one way? Can we each ignore how the other party feel and just treat the other like the most precious thing in the world?

I think for now I'll just "be there" spiritually for mum since I can feel the wall around her lately. I guess that's her defence mechanism to prevent herself getting hurt again. It doesn't mean that being a mum will unconditionally let your child break your heart again I guess. I guess mum can also get tired of their child and would like to give up on them - if not really give up, but at least tell them that she has given up.

So as a child, I'll just believe what she says for now. I also cannot live with constantly getting hurtful remarks from her. I want to avoid that because I still have feelings towards mum and I cannot ignore her comments.

It's really kind of sad. I wish mum will just say and do what she really wants and not doing or saying things just because she wants to maintain her superior image as a Mother.

I hope mum is happy.