Or let her leave my life?
This is so heart breaking, not because I'm hurt, of course I felt hurt but I am feeling so very sorry for mum.
Mum has been through so much and I am convinced by her now that I've done nothing for her in return. I am irrresponsible and she has to beg me for money. She said she'd only beg two times in her life, once was when my father wanted to leave us and this time when she just asked me if I can continue to give her just five hundred ringgit a month in the future.
So that money will be to support her living because she is going to move out and stay alone. She is going to get herself a small little flat and stay away from all of us.
And these were the things (to be described randomly) that I've done wrong to result in this terrible consequences:
I've never helped her out in supporting my sister's education fees as I have promised. There were so many days when she had to skip her meals in the day becuase she wants to save up that RM5 per meal with will be accumulative RM150 per month.
I used to give her some money and told her to save that up for ME. She didn't want to say anythng about it.
Oh yeah, our conversation started with her saying that she doesn't like other people showing her "face colour" especially her own daughter and son in law. She wants to live a peaceful life and not having other people intruding. Like the in laws coming to tell her what to do...
I tried to tell her that perhaps it's misunderstanding, and if there is a thorn in the heart, it's very hard for us to live together. I told her sis and bil is trying their best to plan for their own home, but not like she thought to stay with the in laws.
She didn't like when sis and bil complained about her cooking. If it wasn't because that was daughter and son in law, she would have smashed the plates and disposed the dishes. And me as her other daughter has been useless because I have never been on her side, has never defended her. I told her I didn't want to interfer or add onto anything whatsoever. So I better side her and let me sis be upset with me? Yeah, sounds like a better arrangement.
LGM just text - what 70k? Mum said to sell this house, give her back the money and we will be on our own. I tried my best to be reasonable. I told her, perhaps it's hard to buy a house at an affordable price right now, so I asked if I can give her whatever amount of money she'd paid? So I asked her how much and she said 70k. So? Do I write her the cheque today?
TA just text - take it easy. But easier said than done. Yes you know what? I cannot remember how many times I've been through this. How many times I've cried. This time I've asked her what is it that I should do or change? She said it's too late. I am just not the kind of person that is caring enough about home. Bil although doesn't know Chinese and always speaks English, knows his roots better. He is more caring. I do agree.
I asked if there are too much house chores for her, perhaps tell me what she wanted me to take over. Laundry? She said it's not about the amount of housework, she is glad and happy that she's able to do housework. I just don't understand, she said. I told her I don't! I've gone hysterical by then. I really don't.
I am irresponsible because previously I said no matter what happen to my future business, I promise to continue to pay the house loan and let her stay in this house securely. And if the busness fail, I will go find a job. But it was a big mistake to ask if she is willing to follow me and move into a smaller house if one day the business fail. I WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO SAY THAT, BY SAYING THAT, I'M IRRESPONSIBLE.
Fine. I am suppose to pick my words carefully even in front of my own mum. I never leanrt right? To have my emotion kept in a box (Carebear, borrow your description).
I need to change? How? and into who?
I just cannot live life steadily and securely. I must go do things out of the norm was what she dislike. Once again... it's finally back to the cafe business... sigh. I knew it. Mum was simply too good to be true.
She said, did she not left me alone to go do whatever I wanted? Did she not review taste for me and give some suggestions? Did she not ask me over and over again what food do I want to serve the customer.
Is it a norm for daughters to have to present her business plan to her mum? I know I've not done my part in pitching and pleasing her with the business? Wasn't she okay with the business already? Or it's not about the business... it's about the potential failure. For this, she said "good luck". What do I say in response? Oh... thanks mum?
She said both her daughters are a big regret and major disappointment. If she hasn't push sis to do some CNY decorations, sis doesn't care about the house, the home at all.
She also told me last time not to go dating any guys when I'm studying. See, now I have totally no confidence in seeting anyone and failed miserably in my love life because I've gone through such major failure then. I said, mum, no confidence? You just added that yourself or I said that? Yes she said she added that, but so is she right? Is that what's happening to me now? I am so pathetic? That explains right, all my romance failures.
I tried not to cry when I talked to her, I didn't. I tried to be supportive and apologetic if I must. I even wanted to go give her a big hug but no, I didn't. She gave me such a distance feel it was just too cold to get close to.
She said I always try to treathen her, I told her once before that I came back from UK because of her, if not I would have stayed there. Huh? Mum, I said, did I say that? What did I wanted to do? Get married to Hong Kong? I couldn't even find a job in UK. Oh, or perhaps I missed her too much then that I really wanted to come back.
Yeah, I missed mum a lot when I was studying in the UK. Maybe distance makes the heart fonder.
For once, I feel like letting her go. I am too tired already. Is this what she really wants?
I'm surprise that I still have so much tears.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Cherry Blossom
The other day I heard this radio channel on zodiac fortune telling... for those born in the year of rabbit will have some "tou fa" this year. Meaning there might be some romance or kind of not lacking of acquaintances with guys. Girls for the men of course.
Hmmm... Had lunch with PiC and told her this, then jokingly told her that see, that's why these 3 mat sallehs on the next table have been checking me out since they arrived. You will know, won't you? Someone spotted you, then said something to his friend and his friend looked at you short after that. Of course I made donno... they were just behaving like uncles. Sorry, very rude of me... I should be grateful, or perhaps there was something not so right about me that day.
Today at this petrol station, the attendance unnecessarily carried out too much, waaaay to much PR. Why must he care whether I am married or not? I hate it when strangers or people I met for the first time ask me this question. Yes, weather is a more polite topic. Or else, can ask about occupation to start with for new friends perhaps? I think this is Malaysian culture. I don't mind talking about this with friends I really know, not strangers. Please... unless there is a good reason, e.g. this restaurant is ONLY for the married, therefore you need to find out before you allow me access.
I was jokingly telling one of my guy friends, and also MFG that I am expecting a lot of eligible bachelors breezing in and out TeaRoom when it's opened. Gosshhh... I hope these are NOT the type of eligible bachelors that I am referring to.
No, no...
At least there were no such "cherry blossom" luck when I went to gym today, and when I was alone at Starbucks. Was at CLM today to deliver some cupcakes, and since I was heading there, might as well do some workout, and went to Starbucks while waited for customer. Good business this week, delivered 6 boxes of cupcakes. Next week will be rather slow, perhaps catch up with some rest. Also plan to make a camera as present to a friend's birthday.
The week after will most probably be MFG's 2nd belated birthday celebration. Another cake. Hoping to make a more decorative one this time, but knowing the crowd, they will most probably want another cheesecake... hmmm...
Hmmm... Had lunch with PiC and told her this, then jokingly told her that see, that's why these 3 mat sallehs on the next table have been checking me out since they arrived. You will know, won't you? Someone spotted you, then said something to his friend and his friend looked at you short after that. Of course I made donno... they were just behaving like uncles. Sorry, very rude of me... I should be grateful, or perhaps there was something not so right about me that day.
Today at this petrol station, the attendance unnecessarily carried out too much, waaaay to much PR. Why must he care whether I am married or not? I hate it when strangers or people I met for the first time ask me this question. Yes, weather is a more polite topic. Or else, can ask about occupation to start with for new friends perhaps? I think this is Malaysian culture. I don't mind talking about this with friends I really know, not strangers. Please... unless there is a good reason, e.g. this restaurant is ONLY for the married, therefore you need to find out before you allow me access.
I was jokingly telling one of my guy friends, and also MFG that I am expecting a lot of eligible bachelors breezing in and out TeaRoom when it's opened. Gosshhh... I hope these are NOT the type of eligible bachelors that I am referring to.
No, no...
At least there were no such "cherry blossom" luck when I went to gym today, and when I was alone at Starbucks. Was at CLM today to deliver some cupcakes, and since I was heading there, might as well do some workout, and went to Starbucks while waited for customer. Good business this week, delivered 6 boxes of cupcakes. Next week will be rather slow, perhaps catch up with some rest. Also plan to make a camera as present to a friend's birthday.
The week after will most probably be MFG's 2nd belated birthday celebration. Another cake. Hoping to make a more decorative one this time, but knowing the crowd, they will most probably want another cheesecake... hmmm...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
That comforting hug
It was comforting and reassuring to get that warm hug from MFG.
There is nothing to worry about, anymore.
:)
There is nothing to worry about, anymore.
:)
Monday, February 15, 2010
I wish I can type Chinese characters...
New laptop doesn't have Chinese word processing features yet.
My FB status: wishing for a friend who can lend me his shoulder to lean on when I'm tired; gives me a big warm hug when I need stresses to be comforted; kiss me on my forehead and tell me "everything is going to be ok" during hard battles of life. Someone who can do all these without worrying about what I might think of him...
I used to think that the person I have special feelings towards should ideally be my boyfriend. If I fail to have this person as boyfriend, I need to forget about all my feelings towards him and treat him as normal friend, no crossing the line whatsoever.
When I grew old, I think that there is no need to severe all nice, caring gestures or force myself to forget about my feelings towards this special someone even though he is not my special boyfriend. I will normally search my heart and give it two scenarios - do you feel better to have him out of sigh, out of mind? or continue to feel the same? The choice is always there, my objective will always be to make myself feel most comfortable.
There are many kinds special friendships in our life which cannot be defined. There is this special someone whom you care and feel more than the other best friends, but he is just not the one whom you call "hubby".
There is this person whom you like talking to and seek comfort with whenever you feel depressed. A warm hug from him will do wonders.
There is this person you will text to share all good and bad news, even if it were to complain about traffic jam. Chat all day on instant messaging if possible...
Someone you can gossip with who knows all these characters in your stories. It's different gossiping with gal friends and guy friends, you know.
Someone who knows that it wasn't the laptop of your choice when you say "I cannot decide which one", and later point you to the slim white HP, away from the black Compaq with good function and best offered price.
Someone who knows that the most important advice when you are sick is "no gym for you!" besides drink more water and take good rest.
Such kind of friend is a keeper.
I've not been blogging so frequently for a long time. Enjoying the break but dragging the time because I know my break is ending soon. Like MFG said, what do I expect? I've got 2 jobs.
I went to gym for some cardio and weights workout, spent an hour plus there. Good to sweat out and feel SLIGHTLY comforted when I eat again tomorrow :p. Went to get a skin care item at Sasa and this sales assistance said I look like a Hong Kong movie star, especially when I talk. She cannot recall the name, but she remembered that this movie star was the winner of the beauty pageant also. Waaahhh... such good compliment. A RM179 well spent. Regardless true or not, she did it quite well. Haha...
My FB status: wishing for a friend who can lend me his shoulder to lean on when I'm tired; gives me a big warm hug when I need stresses to be comforted; kiss me on my forehead and tell me "everything is going to be ok" during hard battles of life. Someone who can do all these without worrying about what I might think of him...
I used to think that the person I have special feelings towards should ideally be my boyfriend. If I fail to have this person as boyfriend, I need to forget about all my feelings towards him and treat him as normal friend, no crossing the line whatsoever.
When I grew old, I think that there is no need to severe all nice, caring gestures or force myself to forget about my feelings towards this special someone even though he is not my special boyfriend. I will normally search my heart and give it two scenarios - do you feel better to have him out of sigh, out of mind? or continue to feel the same? The choice is always there, my objective will always be to make myself feel most comfortable.
There are many kinds special friendships in our life which cannot be defined. There is this special someone whom you care and feel more than the other best friends, but he is just not the one whom you call "hubby".
There is this person whom you like talking to and seek comfort with whenever you feel depressed. A warm hug from him will do wonders.
There is this person you will text to share all good and bad news, even if it were to complain about traffic jam. Chat all day on instant messaging if possible...
Someone you can gossip with who knows all these characters in your stories. It's different gossiping with gal friends and guy friends, you know.
Someone who knows that it wasn't the laptop of your choice when you say "I cannot decide which one", and later point you to the slim white HP, away from the black Compaq with good function and best offered price.
Someone who knows that the most important advice when you are sick is "no gym for you!" besides drink more water and take good rest.
Such kind of friend is a keeper.
I've not been blogging so frequently for a long time. Enjoying the break but dragging the time because I know my break is ending soon. Like MFG said, what do I expect? I've got 2 jobs.
I went to gym for some cardio and weights workout, spent an hour plus there. Good to sweat out and feel SLIGHTLY comforted when I eat again tomorrow :p. Went to get a skin care item at Sasa and this sales assistance said I look like a Hong Kong movie star, especially when I talk. She cannot recall the name, but she remembered that this movie star was the winner of the beauty pageant also. Waaahhh... such good compliment. A RM179 well spent. Regardless true or not, she did it quite well. Haha...
New
Had a hard time going to sleep last night. Slept for a seemed to be short while and couldn't go back to sleep. There was something bothering me... then I remember the on line conversation with MFG... and then my mind was full of it after that. But seriously, I asked myself, what's new? What was it that I didn't know already? But what's wrong then?
I guess it's a feeling of getting onto the sold shore after a long long while being in the troubled sea. Nothing is wrong, just knowing that certain things will change from now has preoccupied my mind.
Yes MC, besides the "interview" sessions which we will try arrange for MFG... the relationship between TTB and MFG will definitely change...
It has been bothering me for a long time, I know I should have dealt with it but I have put it aside for a long time because I was really trying to handle it with so much care and it's always about when is the "right" time. I have felt the uneasiness in me for some time now, cannot recall when it started...
While I was working on what I've planned to do based on my "theory" it became slightly worrying every time after I saw MFG. It had reached a situation where I had to tiptoe on certain things and certain topics. I didn't want to really look into his eyes, I hesitate when wanted to extend him the little indulgences and the chat topic has been all about third parties except perhaps about his business and my planned business.
I can also sense that he's trying very hard to be the kind of best friend he wanted to be for me but seemed like something was bothering him, too, I felt hesitation and distance. I've reduced to giving him only "cheek" instead of a proper kiss for goodbye; I avoided walking too near to him; didn't know where to put my hands when taking pictures with him; So many times I wanted to call him "honey" or "darling" casually but I stopped myself...
I felt that our friendship was getting very "difficult".
Perhaps my feelings towards the situation was correct, perhaps MFG has been worried too, perhaps that's why the chat topic last night had to take place - just to make sure.
I remember telling a friend that I wish I can be so straight forward with MFG like her and her guy friend - telling him that I like him; telling him that I needed a hug to comfort my stresses; talking to him about just any topics under the universe to without worrying about how he'd taken it...
So now, if he's not that conservative, I hope he can be everything that I'd always wanted from a guy friend without having to restrict myself. I hope new year brings new relationships...
I guess it's a feeling of getting onto the sold shore after a long long while being in the troubled sea. Nothing is wrong, just knowing that certain things will change from now has preoccupied my mind.
Yes MC, besides the "interview" sessions which we will try arrange for MFG... the relationship between TTB and MFG will definitely change...
It has been bothering me for a long time, I know I should have dealt with it but I have put it aside for a long time because I was really trying to handle it with so much care and it's always about when is the "right" time. I have felt the uneasiness in me for some time now, cannot recall when it started...
While I was working on what I've planned to do based on my "theory" it became slightly worrying every time after I saw MFG. It had reached a situation where I had to tiptoe on certain things and certain topics. I didn't want to really look into his eyes, I hesitate when wanted to extend him the little indulgences and the chat topic has been all about third parties except perhaps about his business and my planned business.
I can also sense that he's trying very hard to be the kind of best friend he wanted to be for me but seemed like something was bothering him, too, I felt hesitation and distance. I've reduced to giving him only "cheek" instead of a proper kiss for goodbye; I avoided walking too near to him; didn't know where to put my hands when taking pictures with him; So many times I wanted to call him "honey" or "darling" casually but I stopped myself...
I felt that our friendship was getting very "difficult".
Perhaps my feelings towards the situation was correct, perhaps MFG has been worried too, perhaps that's why the chat topic last night had to take place - just to make sure.
I remember telling a friend that I wish I can be so straight forward with MFG like her and her guy friend - telling him that I like him; telling him that I needed a hug to comfort my stresses; talking to him about just any topics under the universe to without worrying about how he'd taken it...
So now, if he's not that conservative, I hope he can be everything that I'd always wanted from a guy friend without having to restrict myself. I hope new year brings new relationships...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
sighhhhh....
Just had this on line conversation with MFG...
MFG: Happy new year
TTB: Happy valentine's day
MFG: happy valentine too. hope you will find your special one very soon. :)
TTB: hmm... i have found him if you were the one... but too bad
MFG: we are good friends la. :) but I will certainly help you to conduct interview. :)
TTB: of course we are :)... my options are open. but you are the one i like most now
MFG: :)
MFG: by the way
and then we were on pineapple tart review...
TTB: you are handling this quite well huh!
Haaaaaiiih....
And later...
TTB: I know you are going to sleep soon, but since we are on this topic, i must say this...
TTB: I know you know that i like you so so much right?
TTB: but you don't need to worry, and you can let me know if you are seeing someone
MFG: I always treat you as a dear friend and I really hope you can find someone special soon...
MFG: No girlfriend now and probably want to stay that way. I actually enjoy my bachelor life a lot
TTB: I know i know...
TTB: i always try not to make you feel uneasy
TTB: but it's a lot easier to be friends when i am open to you, my feelings
MFG: yeah. i know. sometimes i'm afraid that i am doing the wrong things and give the wrong signals... happened before and try not to make the same mistakes again. :)
TTB: :)
TTB: and i'm sure you will like me very much if you are looking for someone haha :p
MFG: :)
TTB: hmm...
TTB: smiley can mean a lot of things, most of the time...
Towards the end of conversation...
TTB: i know
TTB: feelings can change, but as for you. not now for sure.
MFG: that's true. feeling can potential change.but for me, it hardly happen.....
TTB: okay, i know how you feel towards me, so there is nothing to worry about with my indulgence towards you k
MFG: I know. that's why I still don't reject to become your guinea pig.
TTB: aiya... i don't mean to make you guinea pig ALL the time... i got you some non edible stuff before also what... fish, pen drive, "wohoo" tiger
MFG: just kidding.
MFG: ok la. going to bed
TTB: okay honey! haha
TTB: NOW i can do this
MFG: hahahah
TTB: muah muah!
MFG: enjoy your new year. and i will see you on tuesday
TTB: yes... till then. nite nite
MFG: night
MFG: Happy new year
TTB: Happy valentine's day
MFG: happy valentine too. hope you will find your special one very soon. :)
TTB: hmm... i have found him if you were the one... but too bad
MFG: we are good friends la. :) but I will certainly help you to conduct interview. :)
TTB: of course we are :)... my options are open. but you are the one i like most now
MFG: :)
MFG: by the way
and then we were on pineapple tart review...
TTB: you are handling this quite well huh!
Haaaaaiiih....
And later...
TTB: I know you are going to sleep soon, but since we are on this topic, i must say this...
TTB: I know you know that i like you so so much right?
TTB: but you don't need to worry, and you can let me know if you are seeing someone
MFG: I always treat you as a dear friend and I really hope you can find someone special soon...
MFG: No girlfriend now and probably want to stay that way. I actually enjoy my bachelor life a lot
TTB: I know i know...
TTB: i always try not to make you feel uneasy
TTB: but it's a lot easier to be friends when i am open to you, my feelings
MFG: yeah. i know. sometimes i'm afraid that i am doing the wrong things and give the wrong signals... happened before and try not to make the same mistakes again. :)
TTB: :)
TTB: and i'm sure you will like me very much if you are looking for someone haha :p
MFG: :)
TTB: hmm...
TTB: smiley can mean a lot of things, most of the time...
Towards the end of conversation...
TTB: i know
TTB: feelings can change, but as for you. not now for sure.
MFG: that's true. feeling can potential change.but for me, it hardly happen.....
TTB: okay, i know how you feel towards me, so there is nothing to worry about with my indulgence towards you k
MFG: I know. that's why I still don't reject to become your guinea pig.
TTB: aiya... i don't mean to make you guinea pig ALL the time... i got you some non edible stuff before also what... fish, pen drive, "wohoo" tiger
MFG: just kidding.
MFG: ok la. going to bed
TTB: okay honey! haha
TTB: NOW i can do this
MFG: hahahah
TTB: muah muah!
MFG: enjoy your new year. and i will see you on tuesday
TTB: yes... till then. nite nite
MFG: night
Sunday, February 7, 2010
That traffic blocking gal!!!
If you were near Cheras Leisure Mall some where between 2.30pm and got delayed by this bottle neck near the Tai Thong area, which was caused by some cars simply stopping at the road side...
SORRY!
Okay, it was me.
Along with the other two customers who were waiting for me to deliver their cake. The thing was, instead of waiting at the same side of the road, both the customers were on the opposite side! So I had to put on my emergency light, double parked my car and ran across the road to send the cakes. Worse thing was I needed to give change to both of them and I left my purse in the car... A bit of a scene there with me running across the road a few times until one of the customers actually commented that "good business hor".
:p :p :p
Yeah lor, this week good business and since there were 2 deliveries, I might as well ask to meet them same time same place right. So 2 boxes of cakes done in the morning.
You know, home businesses are normally with extremely long working hours. When you are not able to seperate personal and working hours, you tend to work whenever you can. Or rather say - need to.
Ahhh... I need to put my feet up. Just finished 2 boxes of biscotti and 5 boxes of pineapple tarts from after I delivered that 2 boxes of cakes till now, 1am. Okay lah, I did break for dinner and shower, and some short play time with Emily. Geezzz... I AM SO TIRED!
3 more days of baking craze to go! Need to do some shopping tomorrow and NEED to arrive at the mall early to beat the jam.
So, nite nite.
SORRY!
Okay, it was me.
Along with the other two customers who were waiting for me to deliver their cake. The thing was, instead of waiting at the same side of the road, both the customers were on the opposite side! So I had to put on my emergency light, double parked my car and ran across the road to send the cakes. Worse thing was I needed to give change to both of them and I left my purse in the car... A bit of a scene there with me running across the road a few times until one of the customers actually commented that "good business hor".
:p :p :p
Yeah lor, this week good business and since there were 2 deliveries, I might as well ask to meet them same time same place right. So 2 boxes of cakes done in the morning.
You know, home businesses are normally with extremely long working hours. When you are not able to seperate personal and working hours, you tend to work whenever you can. Or rather say - need to.
Ahhh... I need to put my feet up. Just finished 2 boxes of biscotti and 5 boxes of pineapple tarts from after I delivered that 2 boxes of cakes till now, 1am. Okay lah, I did break for dinner and shower, and some short play time with Emily. Geezzz... I AM SO TIRED!
3 more days of baking craze to go! Need to do some shopping tomorrow and NEED to arrive at the mall early to beat the jam.
So, nite nite.
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