Live the live she wants me to...

Or let her leave my life?

This is so heart breaking, not because I'm hurt, of course I felt hurt but I am feeling so very sorry for mum.

Mum has been through so much and I am convinced by her now that I've done nothing for her in return. I am irrresponsible and she has to beg me for money. She said she'd only beg two times in her life, once was when my father wanted to leave us and this time when she just asked me if I can continue to give her just five hundred ringgit a month in the future.

So that money will be to support her living because she is going to move out and stay alone. She is going to get herself a small little flat and stay away from all of us.

And these were the things (to be described randomly) that I've done wrong to result in this terrible consequences:

I've never helped her out in supporting my sister's education fees as I have promised. There were so many days when she had to skip her meals in the day becuase she wants to save up that RM5 per meal with will be accumulative RM150 per month.

I used to give her some money and told her to save that up for ME. She didn't want to say anythng about it.

Oh yeah, our conversation started with her saying that she doesn't like other people showing her "face colour" especially her own daughter and son in law. She wants to live a peaceful life and not having other people intruding. Like the in laws coming to tell her what to do...

I tried to tell her that perhaps it's misunderstanding, and if there is a thorn in the heart, it's very hard for us to live together. I told her sis and bil is trying their best to plan for their own home, but not like she thought to stay with the in laws.

She didn't like when sis and bil complained about her cooking. If it wasn't because that was daughter and son in law, she would have smashed the plates and disposed the dishes. And me as her other daughter has been useless because I have never been on her side, has never defended her. I told her I didn't want to interfer or add onto anything whatsoever. So I better side her and let me sis be upset with me? Yeah, sounds like a better arrangement.

LGM just text - what 70k? Mum said to sell this house, give her back the money and we will be on our own. I tried my best to be reasonable. I told her, perhaps it's hard to buy a house at an affordable price right now, so I asked if I can give her whatever amount of money she'd paid? So I asked her how much and she said 70k. So? Do I write her the cheque today?

TA just text - take it easy. But easier said than done. Yes you know what? I cannot remember how many times I've been through this. How many times I've cried. This time I've asked her what is it that I should do or change? She said it's too late. I am just not the kind of person that is caring enough about home. Bil although doesn't know Chinese and always speaks English, knows his roots better. He is more caring. I do agree.

I asked if there are too much house chores for her, perhaps tell me what she wanted me to take over. Laundry? She said it's not about the amount of housework, she is glad and happy that she's able to do housework. I just don't understand, she said. I told her I don't! I've gone hysterical by then. I really don't.

I am irresponsible because previously I said no matter what happen to my future business, I promise to continue to pay the house loan and let her stay in this house securely. And if the busness fail, I will go find a job. But it was a big mistake to ask if she is willing to follow me and move into a smaller house if one day the business fail. I WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO SAY THAT, BY SAYING THAT, I'M IRRESPONSIBLE.

Fine. I am suppose to pick my words carefully even in front of my own mum. I never leanrt right? To have my emotion kept in a box (Carebear, borrow your description).

I need to change? How? and into who?

I just cannot live life steadily and securely. I must go do things out of the norm was what she dislike. Once again... it's finally back to the cafe business... sigh. I knew it. Mum was simply too good to be true.

She said, did she not left me alone to go do whatever I wanted? Did she not review taste for me and give some suggestions? Did she not ask me over and over again what food do I want to serve the customer.

Is it a norm for daughters to have to present her business plan to her mum? I know I've not done my part in pitching and pleasing her with the business? Wasn't she okay with the business already? Or it's not about the business... it's about the potential failure. For this, she said "good luck". What do I say in response? Oh... thanks mum?

She said both her daughters are a big regret and major disappointment. If she hasn't push sis to do some CNY decorations, sis doesn't care about the house, the home at all.

She also told me last time not to go dating any guys when I'm studying. See, now I have totally no confidence in seeting anyone and failed miserably in my love life because I've gone through such major failure then. I said, mum, no confidence? You just added that yourself or I said that? Yes she said she added that, but so is she right? Is that what's happening to me now? I am so pathetic? That explains right, all my romance failures.

I tried not to cry when I talked to her, I didn't. I tried to be supportive and apologetic if I must. I even wanted to go give her a big hug but no, I didn't. She gave me such a distance feel it was just too cold to get close to.

She said I always try to treathen her, I told her once before that I came back from UK because of her, if not I would have stayed there. Huh? Mum, I said, did I say that? What did I wanted to do? Get married to Hong Kong? I couldn't even find a job in UK. Oh, or perhaps I missed her too much then that I really wanted to come back.

Yeah, I missed mum a lot when I was studying in the UK. Maybe distance makes the heart fonder.

For once, I feel like letting her go. I am too tired already. Is this what she really wants?

I'm surprise that I still have so much tears.