Be careful what you wish for

I just did a "heart test" and I got cold sweat with a big rock dropped into my stomach kind of feeling!

I told myself that MFG will turn up during our next meet up with his girlfriend. And it was a scary feel I got there. Geezzz... didn't realize that my heart is in such bad condition, it's really hard to believe how difficult it is to convince myself. And my head just told me to leave the heart alone already! Such pointless test!!

It is a night of "think too much" again, which is nothing new. I actually hated that hopeless feel I made my heart go through but I know now that I am still not ready for the news. When I used to like someone before MFG, I once wish for either things to happen or let there be something to "kill" the heart of that feeling. And I did get a piece of terrible (then felt) news that made me totally gave up on the feelings towards that guy in question. However, honestly, I don't remember that my heart felt this bad, I had that same cold sweat, end of hope feeling, but not as scary as now. Maybe I told my heart that "false" piece of news just now when I was alone. The last time I was told of the other mentioned piece of bad news, I had MFG right in front of me.

I looked back and can see "dots" all over the past... I remember being the one who told MFG to get to know more about the girl he was seeing and he found reason for him to stop seriously seeing her. He found reason for me to forget about the guy I used to like so much.

I met him when he was so ready to settle down, I was happy to guess that I wasn't too far from the kind of person he might like. I used to think for the past many years that I want to be single, but I felt otherwise after I get to know my feelings towards MFG. We were (are) both single and had quite a lot in common (or I'd like to think so) but I can't seem to see the line that is supposed to join all the "dots". I am still hoping that the dots are yet to be joined, or joining but requires more dots. I have my best friends and mentor telling me to "give up" and I failed my "heart test" miserably".

I am afraid, SO afraid to make the same wish again. So I am going to be really selfish and make a slightly different wish - I wish for a "replacement block" for the heart before the dent is created, can?

Please...