Speeding

Wow... One week already? This blog has became a weekly event but didn't reflect my rather free schedule lately.

Flew through this week, only missed my Wednesday RPM, else my gym workout schedule this week was like last week. No, I did't lose my stubborn 5kg yet, pants not so loose yet either... so I patiently wait. Meanwhile, the debate between maggi mee and oats continues.

Alright, I am suddenly sleepy, but don't feel like abandoning the whole post, so I guess I'll continue with story telling tomorrow, or so.

The water is still a bit choppy

I had a good week this week :)

First of all, the good start on Monday, and I am most satisfied with my workout achievements:

Mon - RPM
Weds - RPM
Thurs - Pump
Fri - RPM

I will most probably top that up with a weights workout tomorrow to end the week.

However, despite the okay workout schedule, I got fatter already. I think it is because of too much eating out and I didn't go on strict diet for breakfast and lunch. I shall work on my dinner intake and menu next week. Then lets try to cut down on "bad" food for lunch.

Baking biz wise, not that great, came down to just one order a week. Ohh... I got an order from an old friend - I knew her when we went to UK for our degree, that was erm... 14 years ago! I didn't see her after I came back as she went back to Kuantan. Later, she got married and is staying in KL, very near to my office actually, but we haven't yet made an effort to meet or catch up :p... so I will be seeing her to deliver the cake for her daughter's birthday. She wants Mickey and Minnie in the garden. :) Cute. But hopefully Mickey and Minnie look like them :p

Other than those, the household issue is still not settled. Although everyone appears to talk to everyone and looks okay, but everyone (at least I know MC and I) is still very pressured. I wish there is a way out like perhaps everyone just move out and stay alone instead of staying with each other. I find it hard to not take those words mum said the other day lightly this time. I am taking it very seriously and am really still hanging on to all those she told me. Those must have been what she is really experiencing now, and how she really feel about me. While I don't wish to change me, she will just have to live with it and not bother me, or she will just have to get me out of her sight.

For now, let MC focus on her new house hunt and moving out first. I hope her mission can be accomplished soon.

There has been some drama at work too and it is really pressing that I leave the job and start the cafe. Please, please, please...

Though all those happenings, I tried not to think about them during this week aiming to give myself a good week. Lets leave the problems till tomorrow, after a good night sleep.

A happy post

Clicked into my blog and I can see that it's drenched in tears and clouded with gloomy moods. So I decided I want to amuse myself by posting one happy post :)

You know, I had a really good start of the week with a happy Monday; It's rare, I know.

Although I had slight insomnia on Sunday night, very usual, but I managed to wake up without any difficulties in the morning, 5.30am! Went to the gym and went into the lift with a guy that said "thank you" to me for holding the lift. That same gentleman then held the heavy gym door for me to enter. Ahhh... that made my morning, meeting really nice and polite people.

Managed to leave a huge pool of sweat at my bike area after a good workout in the RPM class. I know yucks, but it's an indication of good workout. Haha... I was even on time to get to the office and not only that, I managed to go get something different to eat from the Chinese stall opposite the street instead of canteen downstairs. So felt really cheered up after breakfast.

Got my guardian plush toy redeemed after that and that big head giraffe was just so cute it made me smile :).

And surprisingly the traffic back home was good! Not to say no congestion at all but it's only 10% as compared with the usual horrible jam. And that slight jam was caused by a trailer that has broken down. Not bad at all considering that it was a huge vehicle blocking the road.

Ended my Monday with a healthy dinner - cereal and 2 sticks of carrots. So I'm super satisfied with being "good". Heh...

Okay, my Monday actually ended with on line chat with MFG... which I only remember now - I told Carebear just now that my happy post has nothing to do with MFG what so ever. Haha...

:) Looking forward to a good week.

no clue

I've no clue what's going on.

Seems like mum is "okay" as in she's not being sarcastic, not avoiding us, didn't set more "rules" for the house/ life etc... The only difference is she's no longer cooking dinner - which is fine by all of us I think; and she told us to giver her less money and she will do the AA split when she gets the bills... complicated, but I'm not about to clarify or argue what so ever. Whatever she wants lah... Is she still moving out? No clue.

Tired.

TeaRoom location - not looking good. Please, please, please... can this be easier?

Patience.

I wonder if money matter is what that matters

Latest update is mum will still take care of her grandchild. Because the not so latest update was mum didn't want to take care of my little baby niece. Change is definitely possible for mum, and it is taking place every other day on the same matter.

I have no clue how mum wants to deal with household expenses now, she said split. Fine. She gave me back the money I gave her today, only took one third of it. Because she said I need to be paying A LOT of other expenses. Also fine.

Hey, I want to live alone can or not? Or let me handle the household expenses. Tsk...

One can become from upset to angry and annoyed.

After that one will become immune and cannot be bothered.

I am completing the last phase of this scenario.

Whatever...

Change is possible

That's what the car park auto pay machine at The Gardens will tell you - "Change IS possible" - Not in capital letter, that is edited by me.

I don't think there is a single thing in this universe that will not change. When we say a person never change, we normally refer to a certain aspects of this person... My mum for example, doesn't think that my personality or attitude will ever change. True to a certain extend as I've lived 30 over years into who I am today, change is possible but take time and also great effort to convince myself to take the change. Besides, many things have became habits, believes and also part of my life.

I've given out part of my start up funds to mum. I hope, I really really hope this will provide her a the security that she is seeking for. If mum feels that I am an irresposible and not home-caring (if there's such term) person, perhaps I am and most probably I will always be. So I hope this other form of gesture will help her feel more comforted. And I also hope that by her buying herself another house/ flat will further provide her with the secure that she wants.

Mum moving out? Yeah, she has the plan and I somehow wish she will, not that I don't want to "take care" of mum, but I think we might appear like a burden for her because she has to take care of us. I don't know how arrangements between other children and parents are but I somehow feel that perhaps mum does not have enough "freedom", not that we restrict her from her daily activities, but she must have felt that she is responsible for a lot of matters related to her children. I don't think mum has ever lived a totally carefree life, since young she has to help support her family by working and earning money, when she got married she was responsible for a lot of dad's "problems", her business has been great but later she was responsible for all those "mess"... Maybe she's okay (I'm sure she is okay) to take care of house chores now, perhaps she's happy that we gather around for dinner having her home cooked food... but perhaps it's time she takes a break as well and only does thing for herself.

Mum said she will stop cooking us dinner from next month (tomorow), so today is our "last supper" haha... anyways, I think it's a good arrangement - I want to go on a diet :). Cutting down on dinner is the most effective way in loosing the weights. I want to go on salad, oats and fruits for dinner. Besides, this also mean that we don't need to stress going back for dinner, and mum doesn't have to stress not "meeting our expectations".

MC and BIL is also planning to move out. Actually I'd like to say "hooray!", IF I will be living alone on my own. But it's going to take some more time for changes to take place, but definitely changes is taking place and I will make sure there are some changes. I think it will do us good :)

Meanwhile, I'm going on the "no news is good news" concept for mum - I won't share too much information with her. She doesn't have to feel the difference when I undergo changes... I hope it works this time.

Live the live she wants me to...

Or let her leave my life?

This is so heart breaking, not because I'm hurt, of course I felt hurt but I am feeling so very sorry for mum.

Mum has been through so much and I am convinced by her now that I've done nothing for her in return. I am irrresponsible and she has to beg me for money. She said she'd only beg two times in her life, once was when my father wanted to leave us and this time when she just asked me if I can continue to give her just five hundred ringgit a month in the future.

So that money will be to support her living because she is going to move out and stay alone. She is going to get herself a small little flat and stay away from all of us.

And these were the things (to be described randomly) that I've done wrong to result in this terrible consequences:

I've never helped her out in supporting my sister's education fees as I have promised. There were so many days when she had to skip her meals in the day becuase she wants to save up that RM5 per meal with will be accumulative RM150 per month.

I used to give her some money and told her to save that up for ME. She didn't want to say anythng about it.

Oh yeah, our conversation started with her saying that she doesn't like other people showing her "face colour" especially her own daughter and son in law. She wants to live a peaceful life and not having other people intruding. Like the in laws coming to tell her what to do...

I tried to tell her that perhaps it's misunderstanding, and if there is a thorn in the heart, it's very hard for us to live together. I told her sis and bil is trying their best to plan for their own home, but not like she thought to stay with the in laws.

She didn't like when sis and bil complained about her cooking. If it wasn't because that was daughter and son in law, she would have smashed the plates and disposed the dishes. And me as her other daughter has been useless because I have never been on her side, has never defended her. I told her I didn't want to interfer or add onto anything whatsoever. So I better side her and let me sis be upset with me? Yeah, sounds like a better arrangement.

LGM just text - what 70k? Mum said to sell this house, give her back the money and we will be on our own. I tried my best to be reasonable. I told her, perhaps it's hard to buy a house at an affordable price right now, so I asked if I can give her whatever amount of money she'd paid? So I asked her how much and she said 70k. So? Do I write her the cheque today?

TA just text - take it easy. But easier said than done. Yes you know what? I cannot remember how many times I've been through this. How many times I've cried. This time I've asked her what is it that I should do or change? She said it's too late. I am just not the kind of person that is caring enough about home. Bil although doesn't know Chinese and always speaks English, knows his roots better. He is more caring. I do agree.

I asked if there are too much house chores for her, perhaps tell me what she wanted me to take over. Laundry? She said it's not about the amount of housework, she is glad and happy that she's able to do housework. I just don't understand, she said. I told her I don't! I've gone hysterical by then. I really don't.

I am irresponsible because previously I said no matter what happen to my future business, I promise to continue to pay the house loan and let her stay in this house securely. And if the busness fail, I will go find a job. But it was a big mistake to ask if she is willing to follow me and move into a smaller house if one day the business fail. I WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO SAY THAT, BY SAYING THAT, I'M IRRESPONSIBLE.

Fine. I am suppose to pick my words carefully even in front of my own mum. I never leanrt right? To have my emotion kept in a box (Carebear, borrow your description).

I need to change? How? and into who?

I just cannot live life steadily and securely. I must go do things out of the norm was what she dislike. Once again... it's finally back to the cafe business... sigh. I knew it. Mum was simply too good to be true.

She said, did she not left me alone to go do whatever I wanted? Did she not review taste for me and give some suggestions? Did she not ask me over and over again what food do I want to serve the customer.

Is it a norm for daughters to have to present her business plan to her mum? I know I've not done my part in pitching and pleasing her with the business? Wasn't she okay with the business already? Or it's not about the business... it's about the potential failure. For this, she said "good luck". What do I say in response? Oh... thanks mum?

She said both her daughters are a big regret and major disappointment. If she hasn't push sis to do some CNY decorations, sis doesn't care about the house, the home at all.

She also told me last time not to go dating any guys when I'm studying. See, now I have totally no confidence in seeting anyone and failed miserably in my love life because I've gone through such major failure then. I said, mum, no confidence? You just added that yourself or I said that? Yes she said she added that, but so is she right? Is that what's happening to me now? I am so pathetic? That explains right, all my romance failures.

I tried not to cry when I talked to her, I didn't. I tried to be supportive and apologetic if I must. I even wanted to go give her a big hug but no, I didn't. She gave me such a distance feel it was just too cold to get close to.

She said I always try to treathen her, I told her once before that I came back from UK because of her, if not I would have stayed there. Huh? Mum, I said, did I say that? What did I wanted to do? Get married to Hong Kong? I couldn't even find a job in UK. Oh, or perhaps I missed her too much then that I really wanted to come back.

Yeah, I missed mum a lot when I was studying in the UK. Maybe distance makes the heart fonder.

For once, I feel like letting her go. I am too tired already. Is this what she really wants?

I'm surprise that I still have so much tears.